Two years ago I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, I was in the darkest place that I have ever been in once my last remaining brother had passed away. In a relatively short period of time I lost both of my parents and both of my brothers, and I will be really honest, I almost gave up. Now I’m not saying that I was suicidal (though there were some thoughts) but there was, and perhaps still is, a deep depression. The type of depression where I just didn’t give a fuck anymore, if something was going to happen then let’s hurry up and get it over with already.
The way that I resolved these dark thoughts was with my initial trip to Japan in 2018. Originally my brother and I were going to go to Japan together in 2019, when he passed away I moved the trip up a year. For no other reason really than to give myself something to look forward to, because there didn’t seem much left to look forward to. I’ve always been a loner, but for the first time in my life I actually felt lonely, if that makes any sense. Travelling the world has helped me out a lot, because it gives me something to look forward to.
The feelings still exist, especially around special occasions. In fact it is so bad that I have removed my birthday from all social media platforms, I just don’t want anyone to know when my birthday is, other than to use it as a platform to make birthday spanking posts right here on my blog. It is really hard to avoid those special occasions though. Not only do I have 4 birth dates that I remember, but now I also have 4 anniversary dates of when people passed away as well.
Over the last two years things have started to get better, though it would be fair to say that it feels like almost every night a member of my family appears in my nightmares. The dark thoughts have been minimized, about the only thought left now is that I still don’t give a fuck what happens. Nowadays though it is more about moving forward where those thoughts are concerned, eliminating areas that are likely to trigger some mental health issues and focusing on the things that bring positive thoughts to my mind.
Travelling had been one of those happy places, and it isn’t just the travelling, it is the preparation, the excitement and the anticipation. Which of course brings us to 2020, and nobody can travel anywhere, lol. It would be only reasonable to question ones own mortality, I mean I’m only 57, but both of my brothers and my father died of heart attacks, and my brothers were only 41 and 56 years old respectively. Now it is quite possible that I can spend the next 20 years all alone with my thoughts, kind of like a slow torture, but you never really know when your number is up. All I know is that I don’t have a whole lot of time ahead of me, and I want to spend that time visiting as many cultures and lifestyles as I can possibly cram into whatever time I have left, even if it is 20 years.
There used to be a time where I would dream happy spanking thoughts, but I doubt if I have had a spanking dream in like 5 years. The interest is still there, but it has waned so badly over the last few years. I will be transparent though, my interest was waning before some of the tragedies in my life happened. That’s on nobody but me, it’s all about how we individually respond to the negative aspects of our lifestyle. There may even be a time that I can pinpoint where the tide was turning for me, which coincided around the time that my mother died. I had reached that pinnacle where I had achieved everything that I wanted to achieve in the spanking world, and a couple of other events in 2015, which were probably my own fault to a large degree, started to make me feel like “I am done with this”.
From there it has spiraled a bit, and of course when you combine that with the clinical depression (I no longer need any form of assistance there, either chemically or mentally) then it is such a downward turn.
Right now I am trying to build myself up to attend two more parties, there are just a few things that I want to do, one of which is to make a film that I really want to make. At the same time I have to take precautions, because it won’t take too much at all for me to address some issues. So that is where the battle is right now, envisioning this spanking dream that I have, while at the same time fighting this sense of betrayal. Whatever my legacy is in the spanking world, I’m quite happy with where it currently is, even if it is seen negatively, I’m happy within myself to be content with who I am. The last thing that I want to do, is do something that will make me feel disappointed with myself. It’s kind of like cashing out at a casino, I’m happy with what I have already, I don’t need any more 🙂
The film that I am looking to make is going to be a custom video that will pretty much be for myself. Obviously I will look to sell it, but based on past experience I am likely to lose a lot of money on this venture. Now I have always been known to pay spanking models well, but as this one will be special to me then I am even going to pay above that, and I will even pay the female top that I want as well as letting her sell the movie herself.
I mean it might be redundant by the time the next spanking party comes around. By that time we might end up at a stage where no spanking model in the spanking world will want to work with me, it’s possible that the hate could spread to such a degree by that time. I’m pretty sure that one model who has been a long time friend will work with me again, and the second person that I would like to work with I’m afraid that I don’t really know her so well. She has always been friendly with me online though, even to this day, but things can change in 6 months 🙂
There is hope, I will be positive because I really don’t want any model to miss out on a opportunity to earn a few hundreds dollars. Heck, if it goes as well as I hope, then I might even be inspired to do a sequel. There is this vision that I have of these two summer camp counselors falling afoul of the senior counselor (played by me) who ineffectively spanks them. I’m comfortable within myself to give nothing more than a mild spanking. The girls then cause a problem that makes the Camp Director have to take immediate and swift action. A lady who has given hundreds of spankings and knows just exactly what these two girls really need.
I can see the girls now in matching t-shirts and shorts, matching bikini style white nylon panties….. hey, this is my film and I will damn well make sure that the clothing matches my vision…. and of course two matching red bottoms. A spanking from the senior counselor on shorts and panties, a longer spanking by the camp director on shorts and panties, and then the coup de grace, the last night of camp where the girls are repentant to the camp director, both feeling guilty over the trouble that they have caused. This will be a spanking over pajama bottoms and panties, and by this time I will already have what I want, so if the female top needs some bare bottom footage for her site then we can continue from there.
Comparatively speaking, this will probably be one of the easier assignments for a spanking model. Not much more than a warm up spanking from me, and then two hard hand spankings from the female top, with maybe, just maybe a hairbrush or small paddle thrown in for a small portion of the final scene. The girls could probably end up covering their hotel room for most of the party from this one assignment alone.
I still need to write a script, and I fully intend to do a voice over, either alone, or with some of the dialogue being spoken by the female top. The film itself though is more about the physical and mental aesthetic more than anything else. It is something that I would really love to do. I will keep you all posted on the potential film. Assuming of course that there will be another spanking party anytime soon 🙂