I’m going to try really hard not to put too many disclaimers on this journal entry, I have my feelings and my thoughts and while they may not be understood or appreciated by everyone, they are how I feel. This is a topic that I have spoken about previously and I likened it to the topic I had responded to entitled “Are spanko’s homophobic”. In that thread I used the wrong phrase to describe my meaning and I lost almost everyone, including my friends, on the value of my opinion. Even to this day I really believe that my words were misunderstood on that thread (it is still on the spanking world for all to see) and what I was trying to say. The bottom line, because of the way that I presented myself I came across as a homophobe and that is something that I am not. I’m not making any defenses here, I accept that I was the cause of the feedback that I received and I take ownership of it. What came out of it was that some friendships actually grew, not because I was agreed with, but because I stood my ground and took the feedback like a man. On the other side of things it allowed some people to vent some feelings towards me which were probably bottled up. Again, it isn’t a bad thing, 90% of the people respected what they perceived my opinion to mean, though they disagreed with it, and many of them I have since played with. Others set the bar that told me that I would never play with them, and if I’m really honest, I would probably be the last person they would want to play with anyway.
The intro was posted for a reason. There was also another thread where I expressed my views on femininity, which also did not go the way that I had hoped 🙂 On this topic I very much stand by what I say, but once again I used a keyword that was insulting to certain people. I’m very much a sucker though and I am going to go there again, only this time I hope to define exactly what I mean in a clear and concise way, so this will be my only disclaimer.
These views express the triggers that turn me on in the spanking world, they are what work for me and the reasons why they work for me. This isn’t really about femininity, this is about my own personal journey, experiences, fondness for and appreciation of what I personally perceive to be girly. There are many aspects to femininity, just like there are aspects to any other criteria that one wishes to apply, what is described here is my own personal criteria towards one certain aspect of femininity that works for me. Actually there are many aspects to it, it’s just that the last time people got hung up on the phrase “Girly girl” and the daggers came out. Try to remember, we are all allowed to have our strong feelings as to what works for us individually, these happen to be mine and I have no doubt that yours are different to mine. However, if you just have something bad to say about anything and everything as a natural part of your everyday routine, I’m probably going to give you a plateful here to digest 🙂
This is something that goes back as far as I can remember, and you have to remember that I am 49 years old so I go back a long way. When I grew up in England in the 1970’s, when I was first starting to develop what I perceived as my sexuality, the women and girls all wore dresses and skirts in those days. Of course there were jeans and pants on occasion, but for the most part it was the former that was everyday wear.
Now to start with, think of your own triggers in regards to spanking, what it is that works for you and why that came about, or even when that came about. There is one segment of English spanking society that goes for bottle green gym knickers or navy blue ones. Go to any English spanking site and you will see that fetish is still something that is very much alive. For me, I don’t get it, I positively loath gym knickers and won’t even so much as watch a film where the girl is wearing them, but you know what, I DO understand why they are so personally appealing to a lot of people. That is what their spanking origin was, what they witnessed at school, what their fantasies were at the time based on what they were seeing. I understand it because that is where my fantasies developed, where my early experiences were, what my perceptions were. It’s just that my origins were different to theirs, but the fundamental approach was the same.
Where I differ from some I think is how deep of an impact my early life had on who I am today in regards to this world of ours. I’m not sure if it is the same for everyone else, whether it has little to no impact on them or not, but for me it very much does. From time to time I have spoken with Tony Elka (Richard ‘Name dropping’ Windsor) on the issue in regards to Shadowlane videos. Now let me start by saying that the reason they are my favorite video company is that their aesthetic appeal remains to this day as it did back in the 1980’s, it’s just for me that the videos of the 80’s, along with those done by Nuwest at the time, more closely represented what “DID IT” for me, far more than what the English videos did. I can’t help the fact that the early videos strike such a cord with me, that was my early view, my early experiences and my early fantasies all rolled up into one.
We are now in the year 2013, but when I started dating girls we are talking around 1977. The spanking feeling had always been with me even though I never understood it, and this was a time when spanking in everyday life was quite prevalent. Girls back then didn’t wear bottle green knickers, let me assure you of that. It was a while before I had my first spanking experience but I had become enamored by girls dressing pretty, so while I had no experience to speak of, what I did have were fantasies by the bucket load. The first girl that I spanked had on a short blue skirt and underneath it she wore white nylon panties as everyone knows by now, and I am sure that this is where I differ from everyone else, it had an effect on me like nothing else has ever had an effect on me. In the three months after that spanking I did spank her a few more times but the relationship waned from there, but my appreciation for the female body had been set in stone by that one relationship.
It is time for TMI Tom to come out now as I am about to share with you my views on how it affects my domination, and I will be the first to admit that mine are pretty neanderthal. There is nothing that turns me on more psychologically than a girl dressing as I envision them in a time gone by. We are talking about the true girly girl here, ribbons, bows, ruffles, silks, satin’s, nylons, even down to cute pajamas. I think sometimes people perceive that I like just one thing but I don’t, there can be a 1000 combinations and variations of what I perceive to be feminine, and not just the clothing but the attitude as well. My feelings can be seen as chauvinistic, and perhaps they are, but this is solely in relation to my spanking life. Actually, check that, I think it applies to my real life as well because the more girly a lady dresses, then the more attention I will give them. Case in point, the very first time that I played with Missy was two years ago. We had planned that it was going to happen and I had decided to dress dapper for the evening event. It wasn’t that I was waiting for Missy, I was engaging in regular conversations in the ballroom. In fact I will go one better than that, when what I am about to say happened I was talking to two guys and they were being incredibly rude and patronizing. They had taken the name Richard Windsor and because of that alone they were displaying ugly jealousy because I got to play with certain girls. Funny that I remember that clearly as I tried to smile and be friendly. Anyway, as I stood there in an uncomfortable manner I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a woman wearing a white dress. Immediately, and I do mean immediately, my hormones kicked in and the alpha male rose within me. I had no idea who it was, but I darn well was going to find out just as soon as I could excuse myself from the conversation I was in. Anyway, with very little dignity I turned to find the girl in white to find out who it was and what my approach would be. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the girl in the white dress was actually Missy!! I was flabbergasted!! Even more so that I knew she had dressed with me in mind. Of course the bar that she set was far higher than the one that I imagined.
That’s what it does to me, the more girly a female is then the more dominant and confident I feel, and again by girly I mean how it is seen through my eyes. I really don’t know why it is, I haven’t worked this part out yet, when a girl is dressed in what my perception of femininity is, it makes me become the alpha lion, in a sort of caveman mode. Perhaps there is some deep rooted psychology in play, but I want to ravage them, and by that I mean in the sadistic spanko way, it is testosterone fueled for me.
Now I am going to get even deeper here and talk about when a girl dresses especially with me in mind.
Overall I think that I am a confident person, though I am also quite a stubborn individual full of respect, pride, loyalty and passion at times. Disrespect me and you will find that out, I am a very proud man and while I am understanding, once pushed over the line there is really no coming back. It is that old British stiff upper lip thing that they talk about from days gone by, somehow that gene got passed down to me. On the other end of that I am as loyal as a dog, and this comes into play when someone does something for me. I’m a very, very strange character in this regard, certainly as a member of the male species. This I know goes back to my childhood because we were as dirt poor as dirt poor could be, and I suffered an awful lot of cruelty on top of that.
Why do I bring that up? Well it’s because I think that I am very different to other guys in that the smallest thing can have the biggest impact on me. I have notes, trinkets, items of no value whatsoever that have been given to me over the years that I have kept. I even have withered flower that was once affectionately placed in my hat at a party years ago. As complex as I am as an individual, I am also incredibly simple, when someone does something for me with affection, it means more to me than it does to the average person. It means to me that I have the acceptance of that person and they in turn have my loyalty. Materialistic items have little appeal to me, but personal ones have a lot of appeal. That is the area where I am at my most appreciative, when I am thought of. Unfortunately with the ying comes the yang and I tend to become overly stoic and unresponsive when I feel that I am being disrespected, betrayed or used. It is worth mentioning because there is little middle ground for me and I am fully aware that that can be seen as a fault. Acceptance is vital for me though. It might be strange to hear a guy say that so openly but it is nonetheless true, I’ve had my share of bad times, very bad times, that is why I only accept good ones now. Seriously, I “could” write a pity party book as to the treatment I have received during my life, but I won’t and I never will. Just trust me, if you know what I have gone through you will understand why I will NEVER allow myself to be treated badly under any circumstance, ever, by anyone. The only person who would get away with that is my Brother. The people who treat me right have my loyalty and the more valuable that I am in that person’s eyes, then the more valuable they become in mine. That goes for both men and women. In a way I have kind of gotten used to it by now, but when I first started meeting people they put me on a pedestal that I don’t belong on, and subsequently they would be surprised that I was just a humble old man. That’s the thing though, they treated me right and therefore they became valuable to me. It doesn’t matter who it is or what their story is, I have become friends with so many wonderful people over the years, people who I would have never envisioned being friends with.
If you are a female then you may have fallen prey to this yourself, and if you have then you know it, so what I am about to say will be no surprise to you. My interest in playing comes directly from the girl. If she is gung ho and has contacted me, asked me what I like, expressed a desire to play with me, or done something with me in mind then my interest level is at its pique. Don’t get me wrong, a girl doesn’t have to ask me to play for me to understand that she wants to, I am very astute in that area, she is able to give that vibe without saying so. You have heard me say it a million times already, it’s the one thing that I am the best at, I know who likes me as a person and who doesn’t, unquestionably, and I act accordingly. Doesn’t mean that I get all bitchy and in your face, I still have morals and ethics that allow me to be polite, however, the stronger the feelings are then the stronger I am likely to react, either positively or negatively. If a girl is ambivalent to my presence and has an attitude of “Maybe we should play later” then my response is equally as ambivalent “Yeah, maybe we should, or maybe we shouldn’t, whatever”. Lastly of course we have the girls who have a strong feeling about wearing something with another person in mind. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for empowering yourself and if that is one area that is a red flag for you then I am cool with that. Generally the response in which I am not agreed with is in the form of “Well I wear this and I wear that and this is how I act, either love it or leave it”. Well thank you for your honesty, I will probably take the latter thank you.
I admit to being spoiled, perhaps if I wasn’t then I wouldn’t feel this way, but I am blessed with some of the nicest girls as play partners that I know who understand me and likewise, I understand them. My life is full of positives, that is where I am spoiled, and I am so very fortunate that I have these special people in my life to play with. The door is always open for anyone to come through, however a lot of people choose not to and that is okay. In a way I think my attitude rubs off on other people, I want to be happy, positive, loving and seen as a person who loves and enjoys life. If you understand where I came from then you will understand why I want positiveness in my life. Fortunately my acceptance is limited to individuals, I have little to no desire to seek acceptance or approval from a group, my interpersonal dynamics are strong and nothing will ever take that away from me, nor the girls that I share them with. Time sorts everything out, if you stick to your morals and principles everything that is meant to be will be.
So with that in mind let me delve into the scenes that I crave and what they mean to me, and indeed what the people mean to me. Based on what I have said so far, can people understand why I fawn over the girls who do something for me in regards to my play?
My views on femininity are not just tied to clothing, though it is a huge part of it, my views also extend to demeanor. This one is going to be hard for me to put into words but I will give it a shot, but in a nutshell, the more submissive a girl is to me then the more dominant that I become. Dressing with me in mind is a form of that submission, when a girl does something for me it empowers me, makes me growl in anticipation. Let me try to give you an idea of what I mean.
It is much to my own detriment that I am about to say this, but I NEVER watch my own videos, they were made to make money and therefore that is what they mean to me. I do fairly well with them but on a personal level they were a job. Now, the personal videos that I have recorded, I watch them over and over again. What those videos are capturing are real scenes being played out, and every video that I have has aspects of the submission that I crave. In those videos I watch my demeanor in how I interact with the girl in question. For her part she has dressed to the nines with everything that I love and it has empowered me so much that I watch my own performance and say to myself “That’s hot”. One video in particular I have watched dozens of times, it is a gift that I treasure, a gift that allowed me to be that unwavering strict dominant.
Submission to me is a package deal and as I mentioned at the start, I can’t help what does it for me. At the party on Saturday night Missy had said to me “Can you please let me know when you are going to bed because I want a bedtime spanking from you”
Here’s the thing, right there Missy told me that I was important to her, not that I don’t know that anyway, but she had one bedtime spanking in her and she asked me to give it to her. Missy is the coolest roommate on the planet and I am so glad that we have an unique dynamic. During the party we do our own thing, we both have people that we want to play with and we both have people who want to play with us, and we even play with each other during the party itself outside of our hotel room. It is such a great dynamic because at the end of the night, far from being jealous or envious of anyone, we actually sit down and chat and tell each other of all the wonderful experiences that we have each had that day and the wonderful people that we have encountered. The bedtime spankings are the best. Pajamas have their own unique special appeal anyway, I think that most people can agree on that one, so they put me in toppy mode right from the get go. The bedtime spanking can be gentle or it could be hard, either way it doesn’t matter because I am in charge of how it proceeds. Once it is over comes the best part, I generally find that I have a fuzzy kitten beneath me who has curled up into a ball, sidled up to me with my arms around her and we fall asleep like that. Now tell me, does that not sound like a wonderful dominant/submissive dynamic?
Missy and I are still exploring the foundations of our own personal dynamic, but I really like where it is going. She ‘gets’ what it is that I like, even though perhaps initially she didn’t quite understand why. If you look at her now though, I think she will be the first to tell you that when she dresses ‘girly’ it makes her feel more submissive inside. That is exactly the feelings that I go through, only mine are on the other end of the spectrum in that it makes me feel masculine. It really seems pretty simple to me, if a girl wears something to a scene that the guy has asked for, it is a form of submission. There is the comfort factor I think for her as well, I’m a safe person, a secure one, someone who she can just talk to without being judged.
You may think that by reading what I have written so far that things are quite complicated for me, but in reality they are not. I just happen to know what I like and what is important to me. At parties I will play with just about anyone who wants to play with me, that really isn’t an issue, what I am talking about here are those special times that become important to me.
In a way I am pleased with myself that I am not flaky, there are clear lines for me. There is a reason why I talk so much about Missy and ellee, they get me, they understand why things are important to me. The most important thing of all though is that based on that knowledge, they go out of their way to make me feel special. That is why they top the Windsor tree and why they are very special girls to me, they make me feel important and in turn they are important to me. There is a certain dynamic that I have with each girl and no matter what, I will still have that with each of them at the end of the day. They both have their own dynamics with others as do I, but in some small part we have our own dynamics and I treasure that.
So let me sum everything up as I feel like I have rambled a lot and perhaps I have made this journal entry so hap hazard that nobody will understand what I mean.
Femininity – In my eyes it equals girly girl. Please don’t think that it consists of one item or one scene or one structure, it doesn’t. It isn’t only about style of clothing it is about demeanor as well. In this instance we are talking about a spanking dynamic, I love the vulnerability, the resignation of submission, in my mind it is an old school male/female dynamic. The prettier that a girl dresses then the more that I invest myself in them, and pretty in this instance is arbitrary. I would find a girl wearing 27 bracelets, wild 80’s hair with a pink streak in it, and wearing sweatpants as sexy as I would a girl dressed head to toe in virgin white. Each one has an area of femininity. Don’t worry if you think that I am weird, you wouldn’t be alone, I’m quite used to being mocked for what I like. You would be surprised at what I have remembered with special people over the years. From the very first spanking that I gave when I joined the Internet, Pixie wearing rings on all 10 fingers and thumbs and standing in the kitchen making salad wearing just a t-shirt and panties, to the very last, ellee as a schoolgirl wearing panties that almost made me make an audible sound when I revealed them. She doesn’t even know that as I have yet to tell her, but they were perfect and took me back so far to a pleasurable time in my life. Throughout my entire journey there are so many highlights that I recall fondly and therefore I likewise remember the girls just as fondly. What I remember increases ten fold when I know that they girl wore what she wore with me in mind.
Submission – It takes many forms, but my view is pretty basic. I consider submission as a gift to me personally, that is what it is at its core, a gift. This is all to do with demeanor. The girl can dress the prettiest on the planet but if her demeanor is self centered then her appeal to me is limited. Trust me, I realize that what I am saying makes me pretty self centered, but everything that I say is reciprocated. As an example, when I did a scene with Alex and ellee it was done so with what I knew about them in mind. I spanked ellee first for a reason, and my reason was because I thought that Alex would get more from standing in the corner listening to ellee get spanked first. In Las Vegas I spent the entire Sunday morning trying to get into Alex’ head, even though I was in public with a group I stayed in character, dressing snazzy and appearing stern. It worked because she noticed it, and it was deliberate on my part. So while the scene itself was a relatively short time, the scene had begun for me, though it was actually done so for HER, an hour before we even played. What she wanted was important to her, so I did everything within my power to make it perfect for her. I’m pretty deliberate there, just like when a girl is doing something for me to make me happy, in return I do my best to do for them what it is that makes the scene work, I invest myself a lot for that purpose.
Many people know what I am talking about when I talk of my feelings towards domination and submission, it is all about giving each other a gift. It took me many years to work that out and now I am beginning to fully understand it. What it essentially comes down to for me is that when submission is given, it empowers me to feel even more dominant. I can’t help going back to the Snow White analogy, she is supposed to be sugar and spice and all things nice, but she just makes me feel sadistic, like it is the polar opposite of what is supposed to happen. There has to be some deep rooted evil in me, don’t you think?
When I summarize what it is that I like in my own mind there is a question that I am frequently asked that keeps popping up, and the question is really just based on a consensus of comments that are generally thrown around. “Why do I get to play with so many people”?
Maybe this is my ego talking but I think that I know the answer, and if you disagree with me then by all means feel free to tell me so. I think that the answer to this is based on my ethics, I believe in being nice to everyone unless they make it known that they really don’t like me. There are a great many people who I don’t do it for and I’m able to see that right away, which is why I really don’t waste my energy or their time trying to make it happen. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like them or they are not very important people in my life, we just don’t have that spanking connection but I love them just as much as the people I play with. There are also old fashioned values that I adhere to and I think that girls enjoy this. If something is needed to be said that I will handle it on my own, in person. Mostly, and this will make me sound like the biggest egotistical prick of all, I really don’t give a flying fuck whether I play with someone or not no matter who they are. You take everything that I have written so far and piece it together, I have the best playmates on the planet, and the planet we are speaking of is my own planet. Criteria has to take place for me to make it work for me, so how can I miss out on anything when I am not getting what I want out of it? I’ve never once asked the question to myself “Why is she playing with him and not me”? because I view it differently, I view it very selfishly indeed because I have my answer before the question even crops up. The reason that I am not playing with her is because she doesn’t do it for me or I don’t do it for her. It almost feels like a superpower in this world of ours, I never worry about the Jones’ and what they have, simply because they don’t have what I have. For me it has to work for me to want it, with no disrespect meant to anyone, you guys are entitled to your triggers also.
This is something that I see as confidence which I believe is a trait that is viewed positively. Even if it is egotistical confidence it is still far better than appearing whiny. When I did something at I didn’t even think twice about it, but it has been mentioned so much since that time that I have come to appreciate it myself, and it is to do with confidence. On only one occasion did Missy forget her room key at the party and she knew what my reaction was going to be to that. When I got to the room she started to give her explanation about what had happened, but I just pretty much ignored her. As she talked I simply went about my business of emptying my pockets piece by piece, that is the one thing that is constantly mentioned to me. Now that I look back on it even I think that it is hot, it really didn’t matter what she had to say, she was getting spanked. That’s why I am starting to get this whole world of domination, the girls in the room thought that it was hot that I confidently went about my business of preparing for Missy’s spanking whilst she tried to plead her case. Once I had finished emptying my pockets I sat down and called her over and gave her a spanking. I was thinking about it through my eyes and I didn’t think much about it at all, that was what was supposed to happen, but now that it has been pointed out to me numerous times I can appreciate it for myself now, that is exactly the whole domination/submission thing that I am talking about.
I understand that what I have said in the last few paragraphs makes me sound like an egotistical prick, but I’m afraid that it is nothing but the truth that I am speaking. In order for it to work for me, I have to work for the girl, and if I don’t then I am simply not interested in playing with her. That’s why I am successful and probably why I am always happy. A lot of people worry about what they are not getting and it is the one area where I am blessed the most, how can I worry about what I am not getting when I didn’t want it in the first place? A lot of you may read this and think that I put WAY too much into thinking about what works for me, but think about it for just a minute, perhaps I do, but I also think that I get the biggest rewards when I get what I am looking for. My pinnacles aren’t about spanking as many bums as I can or collecting the biggest coup of women that I can find, it’s not about how hard I can hit or how I am perceived by others, whether I have a place in this group or that group. My pinnacles are about connections, and when I get those connections they are magical and powerful. I’m never in competition with anyone because they can’t compete in my world, I love what I have, what I want and what I like. It isn’t anything that can be taken away from me. I’m dead serious when I say this, I can play with one girl for an entire party, for one scene tailored especially for me, and I think I would walk away from that party far more enriched than some guy keeping a calculator of how many girls that he has spanked that party.
On a deeper level it also plays a role in my interpersonal relationships, I know how people are supposed to be treated and how they are not, and my interactions follow the same path as they do within the spanking world. Good equals good and bad equals bad and all that, but that is not really the focus of what I am talking about today.
Let me finish up for now with the final statement.
Far from anyone reading this thinking that I seem to be confused, let me assure you that I am not. The reasons that I enjoy myself so much at events is because I am afforded what I desire in spades, and it doesn’t matter to me if it happens once or if it happens ten times. I’m unable to miss out on anything because what I want is given to me. For things to work for me then my play partner has to be interested in me and just as importantly, what it is that I like. It isn’t a one way street, likewise I will go out of my way to make other people happy. In fact it is fair to say that many times I will play solely with the other person in mind, after all, let’s be fair, if I expect girls to understand me then I had better darn well understand them as well.
If you can make head or tail about what I have written here then perhaps you can understand why I can never be disappointed at a spanking party, the positive interactions are so important to me and they are what I strive for, so I spend my time seeking them out. If it isn’t positive then it can’t be negative because it would have been a non starter for me in the first place.
Now I am fully aware that my ramblings here are a bit jumbled, in fact I started this last Thursday and it was only today that I actually found my writing rhythm which is perhaps why the latter part of the post may read better than the opening. Just to make sure that it wasn’t too jumbled I asked Missy to review it and give me her feedback, I wanted to make sure that it could be read and understood as I envision it in my mind. Please don’t make an assumption on any part of this, if there is something that needs clarification then please ask me. Like I said, these writings were done over several days so my mind may have wandered a bit. Perhaps if it isn’t clear in peoples minds I will write it again and try to be more concise, but just be aware, I am a happy man and hopefully this writing will give you some understanding as to why I am happy and content. It isn’t possible for me to be unhappy because I’m blessed with fantastic people in my life and hopefully there will be more to come.