This could potentially be a lengthy post so before I start, let me tell you what I have planned this weekend. The Spanking Galleries page has been consistently updated since I started it, and my goal this weekend is to build up to 50 or so more galleries to make the rotation to at least 5 weeks, and perhaps 6 if I really get going. I’m not sure yet if I am going to create the hot movies galleries separately or whether I am going to include them by interspersing them throughout the regular galleries.
That should keep me out of Hot Movies for the weekend. I’m really not sure how well the studios do with Hot Movies, but as a customer it is awesome. You can watch what you want (full screen), when you want, and if you don’t like it you can switch it off and watch something else. Watching Tanya Foxx being strapped down and spanked over a horse while she wore a schoolgirl uniform was worth the $20 alone. Twelve thousand adult movies to choose from and when you do a search on “Spanking” nearly 1,500 videos pop up. Any fetish you want and you will probably find it on there, try their search engine and see what comes up!! There is my daily Spamburger for you, over the weekend I will also update Spanking Pics and Old Spanking Pics. Let’s now get on to the subject at hand, playing with people who are married or are in a committed relationship.
*Please be sure to read the comments that have been left by others on this post. There are some fantastic, well thought out replies from people in the scene. Each one just happens to be a very close friend of mine as well, lol*
Origins
When I first started playing from an online standpoint I had one hard and fast rule, never play with someone who is married or was in a committed relationship. Now even though I was 16 years old when I first spanked a girl, I’m not one of these guys who profess to have 30 years experience in spanking women. No, the truth is, between the ages of 16 and 40 my life in the spanking world was extremely sporadic. Sometimes there would be a gap of years (1982-1985 and 1991-1995) where I not so much as laid a hand on a woman’s backside, other than the girl I was dating at the time for some playful frolicking. I was fortunate enough during the late 80’s to encounter some play partners, and in the mid 90’s I had similar success with a girl in Maryland. In the years listed above there may have been the odd time where a spanking was given, but there is nothing that springs to mind at this moment.
When I first got a computer, and I was pretty late getting one, (in fact my first experience online was in 1999 when I grabbed a Webtv box) it opened up a whole new world to me. I’m going to have to confess a bit here, when I first started it looked to me like it was a total fantasy playground, and I took part in that fantasy world. It never occurred to me that the people at the other end of the screen were real people, it looked to me like it was a game of one-upmanship and I joined in that fantasy world of elaborating on my tales. Creative writing license I think they called it back then. I thought it was just like the letter pages that you would find in old spanking mags, who cared if it was real or not, it was all a part of the fantasy. There was of course a lot to learn over the years, and learn I certainly did.
Friends
Over the next few years I started to form friendships online with people from the spanking community, never with the thought that I would actually meet these people, it was like a double life for me. Silly thoughts really, because when I look back over the last 7 years and I consider just how many girls I have spanked it is bloody scary. I’m not much of a number cruncher when it comes to things like this, but if you take into account that I have spanked about 20 bloggers (some not listed at their request), roughly 15 girls on film, there are 35 girls just to get the ball rolling. Maybe I will try my hardest to actually put a total number on it, but I know it will fall woefully short of the actual total, but an educated guess is going to be around 150 women that I have played with over the last 7 years. Lord knows just how many spankings that is as some girls I have probably spanked up to 20-30 times, in fact my former play partner, Raven, once got a total of 21 spankings in one weekend. If you think about it, on the low end, at a spanking party you will probably spank anywhere between 5 to 8 girls a day for a 4 day weekend. Off the top of my head I have attended 14 spanking parties, so try and do the math on that one!!! The LOW end number based on the criteria is 280 girls. Now of course some women I have played with multiple times at various events, and some I will play with multiple times at the same event, so half the number and even then, add the bloggers, models and regular play partners and the number is bloody scary, it really is.
So anyway, I got a little sidetracked with the numbers there, let’s get back to the topic at hand. My first experiences with finding a play partner were somewhat unrealistic. I guess my goal, or at least my thoughts were that I might actually be able to find that lifetime partner through this venue. Now it isn’t totally unrealistic as many of my friends have married through meeting a fellow spanko online, it just hasn’t happened to me yet. So with that idea in place I also added my own personal morals to the situation. Now you have to remember that spanking to ‘ME’ is primarily a sexual act, and if it isn’t sexual then it is at the very least sensual. There was no possible way that I could apply my own personal morals and play with a person who was married. In any other activity in life I wouldn’t do something sexual in nature with somebody else’s wife, so spanking was no different to me. For several years I totally refused flat out to even meet with women who were married, unhappily or otherwise. It is something that I struggled with greatly and something that I still struggle with today, though it is at least easier nowadays.
Self doubt
A lot of these thoughts come from trying to apply my own situation to that of others. Whenever I have attended a party I have always done so with a casual partner, never anything that would be considered a totally serious relationship, however, what would my feelings be IF I were to attend a party with a significant other? Now it really is a two part answer for me. If we were to assume that I was to attend a party like the recent SSC where everyone present was a long time friend of mine, then I don’t see there being any problem there, just as long as my partner was as attentive to me during the event as well. This is how my opinion of playing with people who are married has changed over time. As long as the partner of the person I am playing with is present and accepting of us playing, then I am totally comfortable doing that. If, however, the scene is at a party and the partner of the person I am playing with is not present, then I feel really uneasy. Even if I know the people in question really well, and many of the people who are going to read this are good friends of mine and it also applies to them, I have a serious issue doing private sessions away from the person’s partner. It is a darn sight easier to do with my close friends because a lot of them I played with before they got married. This may sound pretty weird but women who I have played with before they got married, I consider them to almost be a part of my extended family. I don’t know if that will make much sense to anyone but it is a lot easier to play with friends who I played with prior to their marriage.
I think this goes back to how one views relationships overall and I’m very old fashioned in that department. I have always been a person who subscribes to the one man, one woman theory (or whatever your sexual preference is). My mindset is monogamous, not polygamous, when I have a partner I am devoted to that one person. This is where we touch on a very sensitive subject and I want to be very clear here, I am not in the process of judging anyone!! However one wishes to lead their life I am all for it if they are happy, I just know what applies to me. When it comes to spanking parties though, if there is a common area where all the fun is going on then I actually enjoy taking part in the spanking play, I’m just not sure how I would handle it if I was in a serious relationship. One thing is for sure, there won’t be any private one on one sessions going on. Well, let me clarify, on the onset and where my mind is right now there won’t be, but things have been known to change.
Feelings
I know that this subject is probably going to have a lot of people that disagree with me and I’m totally cool with that, but I do like to sometimes share my innermost thoughts. If I look back to how I started this post the answer is pretty clear to me as to why I have such a hard time playing with people who are married. Spanking is a sexual/sensual act to me and I am completely uncomfortable doing a one on one session with the wife of another man. At first I wouldn’t do it in the least, and now I will only do it with people I consider close friends. That doesn’t mean that I am totally comfortable with the scenario, and there is always a part of me that wants to get back to the group ‘party’ where I can find my comfort zone. What will happen when I am actually with that special someone and another top wants to take my partner off privately? My initial feeling isn’t a good one. I can see being with a partner where she takes part in fun spankings in a group setting, but I can’t imagine in my mind someone taking my partner away for a private rubbing/spanking session.
Maybe once that happens I can get a better understanding of how I would feel, but if my own uncomfortable feelings when topping a person in a committed relationship are any indication, it won’t be an easy transition for me. This isn’t a matter of jealousy for me, I have no problems at all with the green eyed monster of jealousy. In fact I get great enjoyment hearing tales about how people are enjoying themselves, I guess for me it is a matter of my own insecurities. When I am with someone I need to know that I am the most important person to my partner, and if she wants to go off and play privately with other men I would seriously question if I was the most important person in her life. There isn’t an easy answer to this one at all, nor is there a right or wrong answer. These are just the feelings I have.
Questions?
So here is a summary for you. None of what I have written above is intended to judge anyone whatsoever, these are only the thoughts that I have and how it applies to me. However people choose to conduct themselves is entirely up to them and is free from judgment from me, I want to make that abundantly clear, I am judging no one here nor suggestion a right or wrong way for any relationship. I am much too wise and experienced to ever consider passing judgment on how another person lives, nor would I expect that judgment to be passed on me either. The thoughts expressed above are honest feelings and opinions about playing with others who are involved in otherwise serious relationships.
So I would very much like to hear your feedback here, and I know there is going to be a vast amount of you who disagree with me. Fear not about that though because your opinions are just as important to me, especially those who have a different opinion. How do you feel about what I wrote above? Do my opinions echo your opinions or do you view things from the other end of the spanking spectrum? I’m uncomfortable playing privately with the wife of another man, are you? Could you see yourself attending a spanking party and watching your partner play with someone else? It just dawned on me that what I find acceptable may not even be a remote consideration for other couples. Please let me hear your opinions.
Hi Richard…Great subject. I totally understand how you feel. But, let me tell you something about myself that might make you think a bit. When I attend a party, and or, weekend venue with my partner I really promote her playing and enjoy knowing that as long as she is safe she can play as much as she wants.There has been many times she has played more than I do. I really prefer not to watch her, but as far as playing, that’s what we go for. As for my playing with someone who has a partner, I always approach the husband/boyfriend and make sure it is ok to play with there partner. 95 percent of the time they not only say no problem, but encourage me to go for it…lol. In one way I look at the fellow spanko’s as an extended family. So with proper permission, I have no problem playing with there spouses. Thanks for your honesty, and look forward to what others have to say….Mike 🙂
hey Rich,
I am able to compartmentalize, I guess. I kinda liken playful spanking with others to wrestling around. 🙂 R and I have no problem with playing with others as long as we feel that the others with whom we are playing don’t have some kind of emotional attachment in the romantic sense. I’ve run into issues where I feel uncomfortable with R playing with someone because I feel that person has developed an attachment to him that goes beyond friendship, or has the likelihood to. R tends to be a bit possessive in general but has absolutely NO problem with good friends that we trust spanking me (that includes you) and he doesn’t even blink at me having private sessions with such people.
sarah
Obviously I disagree a bit lol, seeing as how I play with others even though I’m married. Before I played more “casually” for the first time, meaning without a boyfriend/husband/sexual partner…..I had a hard time imagining it. It had always been so associated with sex to me I didn’t get how it would be without that. Partly because by the time a guy spanked me in my more vanilla life, we had ALREADY been fooling around or he had seen me at least partly unclothed. Spanking came along after that stage. And here I was going to go to a party and let people I hadn’t been involved with sexually already skip that step and go to spanking me over panties?
All in all though, my fears were unfounded. I discovered it could be fun and could help foster a feeling of closeness to the friends I played with. Maybe some people are able to separate the sexual side from spanking easier? In fact if I’m good friends with a spanko guy and he doesn’t spank me…..I feel neglected. Like if he hugged everybody else in the room and pointedly ignored or bypassed me in a more vanilla setting. Odd maybe, but there ya go, lol. It’s a form of affection to me.
This post does help me see a little more of what D is maybe feeling about the spanking thing (though our circumstances are a bit different than usual)…..however he would have no problem with himself going in a room with a woman to play even though I think he may feel the way you describe when I go. Maybe it’s a guy thing, lol (nah, I’m sure some women feel that too).I don’t have that feeling at all about a significant other going into a private session with another person, so it can kind of be difficult for me to get it. I just don’t see it as a big deal. Especially since it’s easier for me to enjoy it if it’s in private. It can be fun in public, but I do have a form of ADD so it can be very distracting to me as well. So I keep going back and forth between trying to tune out everything else to concentrate on the spanking…..then get distracted by the other people and not really bieng able to focus on the spanking. Also in public I’m not able to react to a spanking as much as I may in private since I’m a bit too self-conscious. A public spanking is very much “less than” compared to a private one for me.
As far as monogomy vs polygamy…..my views on that have changed over time. I think most of my life I’ve gone along with more of a serial monogomy routine. One longish term relationship followed by another one, and I never had the least bit of an issue with it. However this is the first time monogomy for me has been tested by nearly a decade long relationship. Over a 10 year period people grow and change….and in a relationship, ideally they do this together or in a complimentary fashion, but that’s just not always the case. So you have to decide if it’s time to just end it totally, slog along and hope for the best, or try to find a different way to be together. I really don’t know if I believe people are meant to be completely monogomous over LONG periods of time. The amount of cheating that goes on is just astronomical, yet those people claim to be monogomous.
Anyway that’s my book’s worth of thoughts on the issue haha
love
munchkin
Hi richard. Nice post and thank you for sharing your feelings. Thats not always an easy task here in blogging because there are always those that have different opinions and some that arent so nice in telling you theirs. Did that make sense? LOL. Anyway like you my views have changed some. There was a point in my life when the thought of marriage or commitment to another never seemed possible to me. I had a very closed mind set as to how I thought that it should be. I like you, Wanted to feel important and couldn’t phantom being important if the other person wanted to “Play with others”. And I never really was anyone who gave me that feeling of being important or that I had such a level of love and trust that I thought would last a lifetime or anything. But that has all changed.
When I entered into the scene I wasn’t really looking for a partner I was just curious about this thing that I have always had a big interest in and just never really got to act on. Then I meet Thomas. At first it was awkward to me. But at that time in my life I wasn’t worried about what he might think about me or if we would even see each other again. I had meet a few other guys before him but never felt comfortable enough with their intentions to let them spank me. But Thomas was very respectable and honest and it was a comfortable first time. We even played together a few times afterwards. Never would have guessed that now I would be wearing his ring and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. And when we first started getting serious I struggled greatly with things as far as knowing that he played with others. A few times I let myself get hurt by keeping a closed mind and thinking that his play with others meant that he felt less for me. But when I look back at some of the things that I let brother me I see that it was more jealousy then anything else. Dont get me wrong I still have feelings of jealousy when it comes to Thomas and others but I have a better sense and comfort and trust level with our own relationship now that it is alot easier and I know that his play with others isnt a sign that our relationship is wrong or I am less important then I was before. Peoples views change like you said and sometimes it just takes living it and getting through it to make it better. I might not be making sense but I tend to ramble when I am expressing feelings. The first party that Thomas ever took me to I was still very shy and not quite comfortable with the whole spanking scene itself. So I pretty much stayed hidden and just took it all in. The second party got a little easier and when I first let someone else “Play” with me or spank me it was while I was holding Thomas’s hand. By the time I went to the Texas party my first time I was alot more comfortable with myself and him that I was able to let loose and have fun and not fear that anything would change in our relationship when it was over.
But for me spanking in itself is not really what I call sexual. And in my relationship I have been able to negotiate what I feel would be hurtful and hard to take. There are limits when we play with others. So even if we decide to private play there is a trust that we wont go beyond what is agreed. I do believe that trust and honesty is what makes a big difference when playing with others. I dont play with any married men that wont tell there partners about it. I have refused a few because of it. I dont feel comfortable with that level of dishonesty in a relationship and wouldnt like it if I was the wife so I wont be the bad one in that game. If you cant be honest and tell them and if they dont know about the play then it is to me cheating regardless if there was any sexual tones to it or not. Its cheating the other person out of trust and honesty and therefore worse to me.
It is a whole different world to see in the spanking scene. The whole thing itself is viewed as “different” then the norm. And just by being known to like it even if it is with just your SO it gets viewed as not normal. But like many spankos I see it as who I am Im happy in my role as a bottom and I have fun and Im content whether it is just play between Thomas and I or if it is at a party where I couldn’t count how many laps I went across. But at the end my feelings are the same as they were before I love and cherish Thomas and he is the one that I give my everything to. I have been in situations that are uncomfortable in the scene as well. Thats were private play gets hairy. The intentions of the spanker are my biggest concern. I believe it is easier for the guys maybe I dont know. But since Thomas knows where I am and with who I am with at all times I feel more comfortable and can have fun. I wont do really sexual scenes with anyone else though. So for me anyone that spanks me pretty much only gets that part of me other then Thomas. Which is why one I wont do private scenes at parties with anyone I don’t know or that others dont know well. Thomas has no problem with Todd and I doing a private scene or anyone else like you or people that he knows will not hurt me or try to take advantage of the privacy and go further then I am willing and wanting to go. So really I think as long as the other partner knows and is comfortable as well then playing with others is nothing more sexual or hurtful then a friendly coffee break with a co worker type scene. Now without the honesty and trust levels already being there then it can be hurtful to a relationship to just go off with others and not care what your SO feels and what not. But in the context of good friends and parties then its all in good fun and the relationship will be the same as it was before.
Im so sorry to have rambled on your comments. I guess my feelings boil down to I see what you are saying and I agree but I feel that once you find that special someone and the trust love and honesty is all there to begin with your views might change and you might see a different picture in playing with others who are married or committed.
Take care.
Oh man, this will take me forever to respond to, lol. But I DO want to respond to everyone individually and I’m stuck at work right now. Thank you all for your thoughts so far and when I get home tonight I will start to respond to them. Just quickly though, you are not rambling at all, Cookie, I enjoyed your response very much and I’m looking forward to responding to it.
I think I’ve approached this in a different manner ever since coming out in the scene. When I was younger I played with boyfriends and of course it was sexual. But when I entered the scene I was single and, although I was OPEN to being sexual with some partners, I wasn’t into casual sex while I was exploring my fantasies. It would happen once in a blue moon with someone who would turn me on.
At spanking parties and at clubs like PaddlesNYC, you can’t have sex. They aren’t swinger parties, they are spanking/S&M parties. There’s no doubt in my mind that spanking is a sexual activity even if you are not orgasming while doing it. I usually am NOT having an orgasm during a spanking, although it’s happened here and there. I’ve never considered it “a form of sex” — I compare it to, say, a foot fetishist working in a shoe store. If he’s married, is he cheating on his wife? I say no.
By the time I met my husband I’d already played with tons of people and it was part of my sexuality, part of my life. The exhibitionism and the variety I get at parties, I’ll admit, would be hard to give up. Rad and I have had to deal with some jealousy, and we adjust things as we go along, ie, the amount we discuss with each other, what’s okay, what’s not okay. But he can be an exhibitionist as much as me, and I know he also likes the variety. He gets to play with some hot women!
I don’t think we can apply “normal” marriage rules to our relationship at this point. I consider what we do “swinging without the sex.” We simply do not have a conventional marriage and a conventional lifestyle. It’s not always easy, feelings CAN get hurt, and we keep working at doing it right.
Thanks for your response, Mike. I figured that most people would pretty much have an opinion that varied from mine and that is cool. Sarah’s response below yours really ties in with your post to me. Now I hope that you don’t mind me saying, but actually knowing you your response was not a surprise to me. In fact I can be a little envious of what I perceive to be an amazing relationship. The pair of you seem so happy go lucky and I guess a part of me wishes I could be that friendly as well. This contradicts what I say in my post above, but I had no problem playing with your partner. Though I will say that I also don’t consider the event to be totally private either, being that there is only a small curtain separating us from the main group. My response to Sarah in a way is going to be a continuation of my response to you so please keep reading.
Sarah — I should have consulted you before I posted, you just summarized I guess what I was trying to say. Like yourself, I also liken spanking play to be a form of fun wrestling, or horseplay if you like. We might deviate slightly on the private play but we are at least in the same ballpark. After reading your reply I wish I had been able to pinpoint my feelings when I posted, as you did. You have just described perhaps my biggest fear/problem with the whole private play thing. For example, if Mike for instance was to take my partner for a one on one I would more than likely have no problem with him doing so. It is the area that you described that I have a problem with. If I feel my partner has an emotional attachment to the person spanking her then I would feel very insecure about that. Vice versa, if someone who is married has an emotional attachment to me then I feel the same way, I feel completely uncomfortable with that situation. It is hard enough for me as it is and that just compounds my issues.
Munchkin — Clearly when I wrote this post a portion of my thoughts of course revolved around your situation. Having shared a room with you at FMS I of course felt very uncomfortable when presented with your family dynamic face to face. Everything that you wrote here I am of course fully aware of, and that made it nigh on impossible for me to initiate play with you. When I did so I made sure that your husband was right there and I sought his approval beforehand. I can’t help but tell you that I felt a little like a third wheel. That feeling comes from what Sarah said above, and that is that I do feel an emotional attachment towards you and it makes it that much harder to play with you. It isn’t that I don’t want to, quite the reverse actually, it’s because I view the play just a little bit more differently than I do with everyone else. So based on my morals it puts me in an impossible position.
You should never have wrote all those years ago that you had this weird cyber crush on me 😉 You need to be spanked for letting me see that post!!
Cookie — Please don’t think you are rambling, your response was very well thought out and I very much enjoyed hearing your opinions and thoughts, as I am sure a lot of people did. I really don’t know if there is much that I can address in your post because your thoughts ‘I think’ pretty much echo mine. I’m not in your situation and unless I was I am unable to fully comprehend how you truly feel. It sounds like there is still a lot that you work with and deal with accordingly as it arises. I’m not sure if I could should I be put in the same situation, but as you mention, unless you are in that situation one never knows how one will react to it. I think I know, but will my thoughts and feelings change over time? I really don’t know that and I won’t until I am presented with that situation. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us though, I truly appreciate that.
Sandy — I have to admit that your response took me a little by surprise, and that is probably because of my perception. When I view the way that you and Rad present yourselves I am as jealous as all heck, lol. I find the both of you to be very admirable people and I am inspired by you both. When I picture what I assume to be a perfect partnership in the spanking world I look no further than you two, so it is very comforting to know that like anyone else, your relationship goes through some ups and downs and there is a lot to work through.
Comforting may be a strange choice of word to use and I hope that you understand my meaning of it. When you look at the way that a couple conducts themselves and you feel that they have reached the pinnacle of what you strive for, it is easy to forget that to arrive at such a point there needs to be an awful lot of communication. Thank you for sharing those thoughts, in a strange way they validate why I posted this topic in the first place.
The last paragraph of course is a big help, and until I can get the realization that the spanking lifestyle is not like any other conventional marriage or relationship, then I will probably always battle these thoughts and questions.
This makes for an interesting conversation and I thank you all so much who have contributed so far. There is no one answer or one solution, it is clear the boundaries are going to be different for every single person.
Hi Richard
When reading your blogg I always feel that your comments and feelings are very close to mine and often mirror my own thoughts and reservations although I am about 20 years in front of you and still live in London. As I have previously mentioned to you my “history” goes way back to when even Janus was still a twinkle in the eye. I was very much involved in the early days of the English (not British) spanking scene attending the very first parties in the early 1970’s and with associations with the earliest of spanking video productions.
Anyway, back to question you pose.
I have found that every situation is, of course, to be taken in its own right. For example, many years ago I invited a small group of friends to a weekend party. At this, a lovely girl received her received her first spanking ever. Her boyfriend did not spank her but asked the others to do so (including me). Over 20 years later she is married to him and I still have the joy of spanking her on an occasional basis. None of the magic has gone out of this and it is always with her partners full consent and knowledge. In fact, he sent me a mail only a couple of days ago saying she deserved a caning and hopes I would be able to perform this and – make them sting!
So, I have absolutely no problem in spanking some ones partner providing that there is consent from all. Like yourself, I appreciate that there is a sexual element contained within the “act of spanking” but I never allow myself to do anything that in any way might cause offence or, I would subsequently not be happy with.
With full consent, knowledge and staying “within bounds” – no problem.
Warmest of regards
RT
Richard interesting post i am single and dont go to parties but occasionally spank on line on chat forums with girl chums ,best wishes ,tim