I have often wondered whether those of us who are actively involved in the spanking community are too spoilt for choice that it affects our ability to form stable relationships. When I first started being active I honestly thought that I would probably find my ideal mate, and dare I say that when I started and first formed relationships with girls online, I made many, many mistakes misreading what seemed obvious to me.
For many years I went into spanking relationships with the wrong mindset, which was thinking that this could be a genuine relationship. What I found was that it was an up close and personal extension of a fantasy that was being played online. There is no doubt that for several years I struggled emotionally with this new style of meeting people, and I would imagine that I represented myself in a different way to girls than I do now.
Let me break it down from my personal experience as to where I was, to where I am now, and some of you may find my current lack of compassion somewhat surprising. Now before I do that I do know that some people will want to comment on this topic, just please do me a favor though. I am a very, very smart guy, I understand what I am saying, I understand that one day I will meet that someone special and I also understand that not every single person is the same. In a nutshell, while I want to hear your thoughts and opinions and perhaps even your ideas, one of my biggest pet peeves is when I see a Captain Obvious response. Let me put it another way, this post isn’t a complaint or a moan or a whine, it is my genuine feelings and believe it or not, I am completely comfortable knowing where I am right now.
Disclaimers are really something that I don’t like to put in, but for my own sanity I have to do it though. Captain Obvious can be as annoying as someone trying to tell me how I should run my own blog, if you don’t like how I run things then fuck off and run your own blog 🙂 You get the feeling that a rant may be coming?
There are many recurring comments that come my way, and I’m not talking about Dan telling everyone 60 Billion times that he likes M/F pics (even though we haven’t seen one of him spanking a young lady for about 20 years :-)), and most of them seem to be from people who are envious of the way that I live my life, or from girls who compare themselves to the models that I share my pictures with. Is my life something to be envious over though? I don’t think so.
My mindset going in when I first discovered the world of online spanking was that I was going to meet my potential mate, and that was how I approached relationships that I made with girls online. As time has gone on I have found that to be a mistake, and that mistake was on my end, my expectations were unrealistic.
When I spank a girl it is an intimate moment for me, even in a playful group setting. There are two different levels of intimacy, with my friends it is a bonding moment that I believe enhances our friendship, but with someone who I develop a close personal relationship with the intimacy is different, and perhaps at times frustrating.
There are a number of you who have known me for many years, but for those of you who have only known about me since I started this blog I want to share something with you. Perhaps to your surprise, for the first few years when I started meeting people I out and out refused to play with anyone who was married. It isn’t something that I regret, those were the already established morals that I brought in to the scene with me when I first started playing with people. There is a reason for that, and that reason has already been mentioned. When I first started I thought I was going to meet my mate in the spanking world, now aside from my moral approach that you don’t touch another man’s wife, the other part to my mindset was why would I be playing with someone else’s property when I am looking for my own. I know that sounds harsh, but it really was how I felt.
As the years have gone on of course my stance on that has changed as I have gained experience playing with people. As I have mentioned in a post before, I still have problems playing with people who are married. That is something that I can’t change, I was brought up that way and it is a situation that I can’t change overnight. Of course I can happily play with a married person now, but it is play, nothing more and nothing less. I can’t develop intimate feelings for these people because my chemical make up does not allow me to. Perhaps the word ‘dehumanizing’ is way too strong for what I mean, but I do know that when I play with a married person it is only for fun. It is something that I have got better with as the years have gone on, but I won’t lie and tell you that it isn’t something that I think about many times.
For the relationships that I have formed on a personal level with single people, I can only say that whatever mistakes that were made, were made on my own end. My expectations were unrealistic going in and it is only with experience have I discovered what my problems were. My mindset going in was that this could become a stable relationship, when in reality it was just a broader extension of playing with a friend.
Part of my problem is that I am a very passionate man, and I mean passion in the loving sense. Spanking is a very intimate thing for me, my role in the lifestyle isn’t as a dominant who gets off by controlling a woman, the whole act of spanking to me is a highly charged personal experience shared between two people, mainly in a loving, flirtatious, and dare I say it, sexual environment. That is the part that I struggle with the most, my emotions when involved in a one to one situation, especially when I really like the girl I am playing with.
So how does the ‘Dehumanizing the enemy’ come into play here?
It is a defense mechanism for me!! My friends will tell you that I am the absolute worst person when it comes to maintaining communication with them, but despite the fact that I am a very busy man, a lot of it comes from not wanting to get too close to individuals. I know it can come across as sounding very harsh, but I believe in honesty and while this is hard to say, it is the truth.
To defend my feelings I make the people in my life characters, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care for them dearly, nor does it mean that I don’t love them equally as dearly, but if I separate myself from their life then I protect myself from getting hurt. At a guess I am going to take a shot that I have probably spanked 200 plus girls over the last few years, the number maybe even higher, I really don’t keep a count. Out of those girls there are a handful that I have a romantic interest in, and those are the ones that I defend myself from the most. I take the time when I am in their company to enjoy what we have, but that is where they become a character in my life because if I start to follow them closely, then all of the emotions that one goes through come to the surface. And those emotions are the bad ones, the jealousy, the envy, the heartbreak etc.
I’m not alone in thinking that, I’m just that rare person that will say it. I know for a fact from this blog alone that other people feel that way, many a guy has written about being jealous of my life (even in a playful manner) and there are the less subtle ones who display jealousy by hating me. It’s not that they hate me per se, they hate that I am doing something that they want to do. On the other side I also know there are girls who feel the same way. Perhaps they are not envious of me, it is perhaps they are envious because, for whatever reason, they are not able to play with others. More times than I can count I have heard the comment “I’m not like those iddy biddy girls that you play with in your pictures”. The whole ‘Hating on models’ is an entirely different topic, one which I hope to cover one day, but the feelings are nonetheless the same.
What does it mean to me though?
It’s simple, as time has gone on it has made me a harder individual. Now for some young ladies that is a good thing, they misread my desire not to get too close to people as dominance, and for them that actually works. For me though it is all about protecting myself. I can’t allow myself to get too close to someone because I have to deal with the frustration when they find their mate, that is why, to a certain degree, I dehumanize them into being characters in the game of life that I play. Perhaps that makes me sound like a real asshole, I honestly don’t know, but I have a really hard time with rejection, and sometimes that rejection comes in the form of someone I am interested in being with someone else.
Much easier to deal with that when the person is a changeable part of your life, wouldn’t you agree? ………. Probably not, I’m fully aware of that, lol, but that is how I feel about it 🙂
It is why I find being spoilt for choice in the spanking world to be a bad thing. There is some level of protection to that however, knowing that if what you have doesn’t work out, there is always someone else who is willing to take the part in what you are seeking.
Feel free to give me your feedback. Do I sound like an asshole? You can tell me, I can take it. My way of thinking is that if you can dehumanize someone, you are better able to protect yourself from any heartbreak. If any of those does sound harsh, my friends can vouce for me that I am actually a decent person, I just tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a bit more than others do.
No, dear, you do not sound like an asshole. You sound like a human being, with defenses and insecurities and foibles. Imagine that.
Self-preservation and protecting one’s heart are human impulses. Baring oneself and getting close risks a lot of pain, and when that pain has trashed your world more than once, it’s only natural to want to shy away from it and whatever might bring it on.
I’m not going to offer platitudes — I don’t believe in The One. As a loner, I tend to keep a certain distance from people myself, even those whom I adore. But your self-awareness will serve you well. It’s the ones who blunder through life, pointing fingers and never looking within, who are the assholes.
I have to second Erica’s opinion that you most certainly aren’t an ass hole. 🙂 Some people get upset at me because I have a terrible habit of not returning emails or chat dings. There aren’t a lot of people who I let get close to me. Those who do realize that this is who I am and either accept it or make sarcastic jokes at me until I finally return said email, chat ding, or phone call. I’ve developed an ability to sit in a room and become almost invisible. It’s my own defense mechanism. We call have them and they serve each of us in our own way to help us with our vulnerabilities.
Yes, you’re an asshole. Not really about this though, just in general 🙂
Anyway…..
I just decide not to expect anything from…..well pretty much anyone anymore. Like I was telling you about a current situation this past weekend. I expect nothing from it other than to have a good time while it lasts and move on with my life once the other person drifts away. If I don’t get too attached and start dreaming of what may be, I don’t get too disappointed. Or I can realize that even if I do love someone else, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have to love me back and it’s up to me to decide if I’m ok with that. I’m not going to rely on any other person to make me happy, because they won’t. I’m with Erica though, I don’t believe in a “The One” or a Life Mate or Soulmate or anything like that. I believe you can love someone deeply, then later sometimes things change. You can still move on with your life and love someone else deeply too. To me, love isn’t something that you will run out of if you use it too much. I really don’t think I believe in happily ever afters though. Fairytales to me.
I do think you need to remember that other people do have feelings too though, because in reality they aren’t just characters, and not be willing to dismiss theirs in order to preserve your own.
No you do not sound like and a**hole at all. Your blog sounds like a very honest and to the point posting on how you feel.
I honestly believe that we all (who have been hurt in the past) have our own way of ensuring that we don’t let people get too close. I have a saying that I believe to be true and that is “feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are”.
You have a right to how you feel and everybody doesn’t have to understand that or even agree with it. Either they accept you for who you are or their loss not yours.
I think you don’t want to be turned down… no one does, of course, but some people can shake it off more easily than other, and some really take it to heart.
I used to be very active in the spanking scene, often meeting a new play partner once a month (strictly spanking, need i say?). At some point, I also noticed the difficulty in crossing the playing/dating line and it was disappointing. For myself only, I realized I could not date men active in the spanking/roleplay/any fetish/alt scene. There is just a different dynamic to getting to know someone, to approaching intimacy, to moving on to the next person. It’s a little too easy and glib. I did meet my ‘mate’ eventually, on alt, but in order to create the kind of intimacy and relationship I wanted, I actually had to step away from the spanking ‘scene’ almost entirely. To the extent that, if things don’t work out and I have to search again, I know I will not look in the spanking-focused world, as much as I want and expect spanking to be a part of that relationship. I’m not entirely sure why, but I think I like to pretend that spanking is a totally natural, normal, organic part of our relationship and hearing someone use the same well-worn keywords and phrases destroys that illusion for me…
kiley
(it’s been a few years… hi rich 😉
Of course I don’t think you’re an asshole, because why would I play with you if I did — but I understand exactly where you are coming from. It can be so frustrating. You probably think I’M an asshole, being a married woman and saying that. But I was single for a LONG time in the scene and I also got hurt a lot and withdrew a lot.
I admire your honesty, Richard. You always come through that way with me and this column reeked of it.
Funny, it is often easier for me to connect with married women. We tend to have the same limits without having to get down to details.
We are all unique, and one good thing from the bloglife in the 21st Century is that we can read about and comprehend the differences.
Thanks for the post,
Brad D.
Woot, I actually made a post that people commented on, cool 🙂
Erica – I disagree with you on one point, and that is that I actually think there is the ‘one’. Through all the people I have met I have found the traits that I look for in many people, those are the people who I tend to align myself with. There has been several occasions where someone has actually reached me to the point that I think ‘In a different environment I would date this girl’. It doesn’t happen that often, but there are some girls in the scene that I like on a more personal level. Maybe I am the eternal optimist, but I do think that the girl who is right for me is out there in the spanking world.
Mary – It’s nice to know that I have a sister in arms. The biggest reason that I tend to withdraw from cyber communication is because I find it frustrating. I have a real hard time playing online when I can’t have what it is that I want, it can be pretty depressing.
Munchkin – As with Erica, my opinion in regards to ‘The one’ differ from yours. I do believe in the fairytale, I know what I have to give and I know that there is a girl who feels the same as I do. I don’t think it is in the spanking ‘party’ scene, quite honestly I don’t think that would work, but I do believe that there is a more private person out there seeking the same as what I want. I think very highly of myself as to what I can give another person, and I know that somewhere out there, there is a girl who is looking for that passion.
LB – I am blessed to have the best friends in the world, they do accept me for who I am. There is no doubt that I am difficult to befriend, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it is just that the fantasy aspect frustrates me to a depressing level. There are things that I want and when I can’t get that, I deal with it better by not hearing about what I can’t get. Hope that makes sense.
Kiley – OMG, her hotness that is Kiley has written on my blog, I feel honored 🙂 That is an interesting take that you have there, one that I am not used to hearing. Having dated for many years outside of the scene, including recently, I can’t accept a vanilla person as my romantic partner. Spanking is deeply rooted in sexuality for me and therefore my partner has to be into that. I would, and have, feel unsatisfied if I could only get 50% out of a relationship, spanking is that important to me. I’m not knocking your choices, yours just happen to differ from what I seek.
Nice to hear from you again 😉
Sandy – There is very little to add, I think that so far your opinion is the one that I relate to the most. Or should I say that I think we both feel the same way.
Brad – Perhaps our situations are different, but if you are married I can understand why playing with a married woman works better for you. Of course I am not married, so I tend to look for similar people where I can perhaps form my own relationship.
Ddon – Maybe the spanking scene is one dimensional, but that is the dimension that I seek. While still young at 47, I have enough experience in life to know what it is that I want 🙂
Dear Richard,
this is a very fascinating post which provided me with a lot of thought fodder. Thanks a lot for sharing! First of all, for me you don’t sound like an asshole at all, more like someone who has a great insight into his own feelings and motives and who is admirably honest with himself and in his writing! And I think that I can relate to many of the things you said.
Of course I’m in a very different situation than you are. The first man I have ever played with is now my mate. And I don’t have any desire to play with other people, except for making spanking clips. But I think my motives and thoughts on spanking and intimacy are quite similar to yours and your protection mechanism rings a bell, too.
When I started exploring my kink with Ludwig, the two of us weren’t mates. At that point I had already given up the thought of finding the right partner any time soon. I was in my late twenties and hadn’t had any intimate relationship so far, because I hadn’t met the right man. Having sex with someone I am not in love with never was an option for me. But since I wanted to explore my kink so much, I told myself that this wasn’t sex. From the clips that I had watched when I started exploring the internet on the topic, spanking was something that could also be shared among friends. BUT, before I asked Ludwig to introduce me to the world of spanking, I made sure that he didn’t have a girlfriend! First of all, I wouldn’t have wanted to make my first spanking experience with another girl’s man. Secondly, I felt from the very beginning that Ludwig might be someone very special for me and I wanted to have at least a theoretical chance for the whole thing growing into a love relationship. So, I think that’s quite similar to your stance when you started exploring your kink!
Our first play didn’t contain any other form of sex. That changed after we became mates. This also was the time, when I realised that I didn’t want to play with anyone else because my real aim had always been to find my mate and to share my sexual desires (including spanking) only with him. And, honestly, I didn’t want Ludwig to play with anyone else any more, too. Luckily, Ludwig was fine with that, except for spanking clips and film projects. I think I was very lucky that private play with others didn’t mean so much for Ludwig. I think most of the people who have played with others wouldn’t be willing to give that up for their mate. Would you? The thing is, you most probably can’t share every fantasy with your mate, since the kinks are usually a bit different. When you play with lots of people you will always find someone who wants to play out a certain scenario with you. When you’ve got only one person it might mean that you can’t play out certain scenes because they don’t fit to your partner’s kink. That’s the other side of the coin, having a mate means to find compromises, either by giving things up for one’s partner, doing things for one’s mate or changing things in a way that suit both!
There still was that spanking film issue. I felt that I didn’t want Ludwig to make any clips with others without me being part of it. So here we chose the option “doing something for one’s partner”. Which meant, that I joined Ludwig for film-making projects. As a bottom, I can’t do everything here, because I only feel comfortable with storylines that fit my non-sexual spanking fantasies. And those are quite different from the fantasies many spankos have. But Ludwig can fulfil at least some of his dreams now. Still I don’t have any desire to share anything sexual with others. That’s why I have developed a similar protection mechanism as you have. When I make spanking clips, for me it is nothing more and nothing less than producing creative artwork with friends. For me this is non-sexual. Because if it were sexual, it would feel wrong doing it with someone else than my mate. Of course, the result should be sexy, but it doesn’t feel like something sexual to me throughout the filming (I hope that explanation makes sense to you). So, I strictly separate sexual spanking play with my partner from friendly play for film-making. And I have to admit that it is a bit easier for me, if the other female participants are in a relationship. It makes me feel like there is a lower risk of someone trying to get more than a friendly spanking among friends from my mate. Which is of course nonsense, since many couples live in an open relationship and most of the singles out there would never get too close to someone else’s mate. That’s why I wouldn’t refuse to play with single women for a clip (especially if I know and like them, which is almost a necessary precondition for me, anyway), but for my first experiences it was easier for me to play with women who are happily involved themselves.
So, I can relate to many of the things you wrote, despite of our different experiences and life situations. I wouldn’t call my protection mechanism “dehumanization”, though, I would rather call it “desexualisation” (even if that word doesn’t exist). I’ve just written a trilogy of three posts (nearly 10.000 words in total) about my kink and how it works for me. It showed to me that I protect myself a lot and that I’m also egoistic concerning my social and sexual needs. And quite honestly, I think this is a very healthy thing, as long as one treats others with respect and care, too. And it seems to me that treating others well is very important for you. So, to my mind you don’t have to worry about being egoistic! I just hope that, if there ever comes a woman who could be the right mate for you, you’ll feel it and open your protection shields, even if that means that you might get hurt. I think there is no way of finding one’s love without taking that risk. Well, even I, the one who never jumped into any relationship, knew when the time was right to take the plunge, so I’m sure I don’t have to worry about someone like you, who is much more experienced and obviously very good in analysing his needs and motives!
I agree completely with your early comments about not playing with married women. I too am looking for my future partner in the online spanking world and, to me, spanking is a sexual act. And I wouldn’t engage in sex with someone who’s married unless I was swinging. I suggested this once on a spanking website and caused quite a bit of negative reaction, especially among the ladies. So, I wonder, do most women view spanking as a sexual act, or do they divorce themselves from that aspect of it in order to get the spankings they crave.
Just wondering,
Joey.
This is a tough one. When I got divorced years 6 years ago, I never intended to get married again. As far as I was concerned, I would have been happy to be the spanko version of Samantha from Sex in The City. I wanted to be spanked, fucked and then get the hell out of my apartment. I know now that it was a Giant Defense Mechanism.
When I met Aaron, I tried to push him away quite a few times. He was too kind. He was too helpful. I didn’t want nice. I wanted assholes, so I had an excuse to get rid of them or a reason why it wouldn’t work. And most men in this lifestyle obliged me nicely.
But Aaron wore me down. Not in an exhausting way. In a truly loving way that I was not prepared to fight. It’s not easy to break down walls after you build them. They are a labor of love for yourself. Your very well-being as it were. So, yeah, I get it. Boy, do I fucking get it.
Just remember, even sad clowns are allowed to take off the make-up and smile sometimes.
Hi. This is a great post. I can relate, although the same logic has sent me down a different path. I’ve spent the last 3 or 4 years going to parties in NYC. (We’ve met, Richard.) And I’ve come to realize that the play at parties is only that. Play. Which I’ve come to find frustrating. Spanking, for me, is a deeply intimate act. The most intimate of all, in fact. So, for now, I’m done with parties. This is not to say that I’m trying to find “the one” and settle down tomorrow. But I’ve decided to keep my spanking connections with the frame of a single monogamous relationship at at time. So that I can build intimacy within a spanking oriented framework. The parties just leave me frustrated. All these people “playing” and dabbling with a bunch of partners for a thing that i find intensely personal. No judgment here. Juat an example of how the same thinking as yours led me to a different place.