This is it, the year that I turn 50 years old!!
There is a bit of a mixed bag of emotions this go around for this milestone, much different to the milestone a decade ago. When I turned 40 I was just about the happiest camper alive, I even remember the party that was thrown for me at the Rodeo bar in New York. A girl that was my spanking partner at the time had flown in from Florida to spend it with me and life couldn’t have been better. Now don’t get me wrong at all, I still consider myself to be totally blessed and I am having the time of my life, but seriously, 50 sounds fucking old, doesn’t it? LOL. It is just a number I know, certainly I don’t feel any different than I have been at any other part of my life, but fifty sounds way different to forty.
Here is the thing though, my belief is that the year 2013 is going to be the best year of my life.
There are things that I need to take care of, mainly to finish the remainder of the dental surgeries that I have had so far to reconstruct my upper jawbone, but that presents a quandary for me, it is bloody expensive. I have a choice to make, and for better or worse I have made that choice. This is going to be a big year for me and I have decided to finish the surgeries at the end of the year going into 2014. It’s embarrassing without a shadow of a doubt after so many extractions, and after the surgeries that I have had so far you can trust me, nobody would want to walk around like this, but I can have no complaints. My conscious decision for this year is to spend it on myself, selfishly, and I will be attending spanking parties throughout the year. This might be my last full year for a couple of years as I have to get this done, but I will live with the embarrassment for this year and following that my money will have to be spent productively. I want my 50th year to be a special one though.
Realistically I shouldn’t keep a checklist of what I want to do, but I can’t help it,there is a lot of excitement running through me right now and there are things that I want to do, especially if my play will be limited for a time after this year. Right now I have parties to attend every 6 or 7 weeks through October so my options are good. Out of these parties the very first one in a few weeks’ time is going to be the toughest of all, and it is perhaps the one that I feel the most anxious about. The reason for the anxiety is simple, it is a smaller party and other than a handful of people, I have no idea who is going to be there for this party.
A lot of times people will show surprise that Richard Windsor can be anxious, but believe me I always am. The first thought about the upcoming party is that it could be out of my comfort zone. By that I mean that any other party that I go to it is with the people who have been close to me for many years. For all I know at the upcoming party there could be 12 girls there, and if only half of them wish to play with me then that is a lot to stretch out over 4 days. Yes, even the Ultra Popular Top worries about things like this. Often I have thought that it is easier for girls at parties in regards to actually playing. Aside from having to deal with unwanted attention and numerous safety issues, they can pick and choose who they want to play with and how many times they want to play with them. Guys on the other hand, they have to hope that they somehow fit into the equation, that they will be afforded an audience.
One thing that I have mentioned already is that I am fully aware of who wants to play with me and who doesn’t. That isn’t said with any malice, we all have our preferences as to what works for us. Of course I never go short on playing time and I generally focus on the people who have made it clear to me that they are okay with playing. In a smaller setting though I really do have fears. There will be a lot of times where I cordially talk to people and they are friendly, but at no time am I getting an idea that playing is an option. Now in a small setting the chances are that everyone has already accepted that they going to be available to play, the inherent fear that I have though is that someone will accept an offer to play not necessarily because they want to, but because they feel they might have to.
It is a terrible feeling and it is one that I own. A lot of this is down to me but it is a real fear that I have. Many times I have had communications with a female where they have stated that we have never really played. From my perspective the reason for that is simple, in my eyes I have misinterpreted that as an option that is not on the table. Like I said, I’m no different to anyone else when it comes to fears and anxieties at spanking parties.
You will read a lot of times that people will say that I get to play with everyone. It simply isn’t true. For as many people who do wish to play with me there is an equal number who do not wish to play with me.
To me it is like a pyramid. At the top there are the people who show an interest in playing with me and that is where my own personal comfort zone is. Then there is the socially awkward tier, the one a lot of us put ourselves in. Have you ever asked yourself any of the following questions?
“Does that person want to play with me”?
“Will that person say no to me”?
“Why does that person play with him/her and not me”?
“Am I good enough for that person,will I be measured against others”?
“Do I play too hard,too soft,too long,too short”?
There are way too many questions and scenarios to list, and I didn’t even get started on how difficult this could be for women as there can be way too many extracurricular things going on as well.
Because of what I listed above this is where I consider myself to be the most blessed. The only one that I listed that doesn’t apply to me is the third scenario “Why does that person play with him/her and not me”?
I’m very fortunate in regards to that, though I will say it is one of the most often questions that is asked of me. “How come she played with you and didn’t play with me”? It is a question that I cannot answer. There are certain thoughts that I have that I think is the right answer, but I don’t know for sure.
Here is what I think, especially as it relates to the scenario that I just suggested. At no point have I ever wondered why someone plays with another person and not me, and for me there is a simple reason for that. In order for things to work for Richard Windsor one thing has to happen, the girl MUST have a desire to play with me. That is how I get my kick, that’s what works for me and how my personal headspace functions. If a girl is curt, pleasant but abrupt, discourteous to me online or in person, or just aloof to my presence, then my desire to play is very low. Does that make sense to you?
In order for me to function I have to have some importance, some standing with an individual, someone worthy of their time. I’m not talking of anything grandiose, just a small indication that a play session would be welcomed. It is the number one motivating factor for me when it comes to playing, if I am not important enough to them to want to play with me, then the chances are they are not important to me to play with either (I’m strictly talking for spanking purposes here). It is a simple concept that I think is noticed by women, even if it is subconsciously. Everyone has their own criteria as the what ‘Does it’ for them, mine just happens to be that. Hopefully that is something you can understand because it is hard for me to put these thoughts into words, there is a slight fear that I have that this is going to sound mean spirited and it really isn’t meant to be. It is funny that I have had several emails online recently with women on the same subject that we all agree upon. Why would you want to play with someone who doesn’t want to play with you?
This is a topic that I really could talk for hours about, though I don’t know if I should really go in depth too much about it. Am I aware of why I get to play with the women I do? I’m going to have to say yes, I am fully aware of it. People want to feel important as a person, regardless of who they are. I’m no different and I dare say that you aren’t either.
Often I have talked about the stereotypical spankee/top, the one that fantasies are built upon. I’m no different there either, that can certainly play as an aspect in wanting to play with someone. The difference as it relates to me though is that the stereotypical spankee in my mind isn’t measured with the same barometer that it may be measured in the minds of others.
Women are smart creatures, they observe what is going on around them. It is something that I don’t need to talk about for long, but women notice what is happening around them.
The list of parties that I will be going to this year is as follows. A private party in a few weeks’ time, Boardwalk Badness Weekend, Florida Moonshine, Crimson Moon, Shadowlane and hopefully a Southern Spanking Conference. The four parties in the middle are the ones that I hope to achieve a lot of my goals for the year and most of them revolve around roleplaying.
What is on my list for this year though? Would you like to hear of my grand plan?
A couple of things that aren’t really spanking related have already begun. Firstly, the amount of unique content that I post and this obsession that I had that other blogs were getting the credit for the work that I provided, and I was getting no credit in return. There really is no point concerning myself with this anymore, it is was it is and it won’t likely change. I’m now satisfied that I am providing a unique service and the feedback that I have had is remarkable. The Sorority posts and the Wednesday classics have become the two most popular pages on this website and that is all the credit that I need.
Secondly,I had these thoughts that I wanted to share about awards, but I have changed my mind on the topic. Recently I was nominated for blog of the year and I asked to be removed from the contest. My reasons for that are moral ones, they are personal for me and they don’t need to be shared. Many people love being rewarded for their work and I am happy with that. It isn’t something for me.
Thirdly, I moved past an issue a year ago and now I need to declare the final stage. Please stop emailing me to tell me that someone is talking shit about me or my blog, I honestly don’t care My way is the excitement that lies ahead, there is so much to look forward to. So stop with the emails, it means nothing to me.
Now for the all-important spanking related items that I hope to achieve this year, they are lengthy, but as I mentioned at the start, this is my chance to empower myself and make this the best year that I have had to date in the spanking world. Some of these are short and some have an explanation attached, so we will see how many I come up with. They are in no particular order, I will just write them as they come to me.
Erica Scott – While Erica and I have done a couple of short videos, one for Pixie’s cause for paws and one as a promo for Erica’s book, we have never actually played. At every party I always talk with Erica for a long time and something that I would like to do this year is to actually have a play session with her. A proper spanking!
Melodynore – It is something that I have never admitted to before, but I have a spanking crush on her. I’m not sure why, but I have always wanted to play with her. There was only one real chance that I had and it never happened, my goal this year is to try and make it happen. Remember, everything on my list is down to me and my ability to put myself in a position for things to happen.
Ellee – I hope that my confidence that our next scene will be a magical one is correct. It is something that I am looking forward to and it is something that I will put a lot of effort into. In fact the most recent one we discussed has jumped to the top of the list. Just the mere thought of applying the cracker barrel paddle to the seat of the nylon panties that I gave her drives my imagination wild. Not that they will stay up for long of course. She has never been spanked with a CB paddle before!!
Alex Reynolds – She brought the alpha male in me to the forefront. She isn’t going to like the caning that she will get from me, but on the good side, perhaps she found the key that turns on the strict Richard Windsor. I’m not sure if it is what she said or her playful demeanor following it, but something turned on a switch inside of me. It is a really good feeling, for me anyway.
Beth – I don’t know why because we only play in the fun sense, but I have this desire to give her six of the best with the cane. It might not happen based on the level of our relationship, but the desire is there.
Staceymacy – For a very simple reason, she made me feel really good about myself. I’m telling you, I’m a pretty simple person who is easy to please. At the FMS party last year Stacey approached me and said that she would like to play with me. It didn’t happen other than in a game, but the fact that she wanted to made me feel very good about myself.
The pen pal – This could be really close to the top of the list because of my nature. I was fortunate enough to have someone contact me who is just starting in this world of ours. It is a bit sappy of me, but I am a giving person by nature and nothing makes me happier than to give someone something meaningful to them. This might not even be about spanking, this could just be that I am a mentor who can provide the right advice and guidance. There are many first spankings that I have given and they are special occasions, so that thought is of course there, but if I can guide someone that what we do is perfectly natural and a really exciting lifestyle, then it would make me a proud man to do the right thing. Whatever the right thing is and however long it takes, it is a gift to be given that trust to offer some guidance.
Pen pal 2 –More likely to happen sooner rather than later. She knows the triggers that work for me and has been working them, now it is just a matter of picking the day.
Perhaps I should stop because I could go on forever. The point is it is up to me to get these things in motion. There are many different scenarios that I would like to do with many people, these were just some names from the top of my head based on actual interactions and in some cases long term friendships. It is only meant to be an indication of some of the things that I am hoping to achieve this year, really just a partial list. I’m only selective when people make it clear that they don’t wish to interact with me.
In part 2 I am going to talk about the road ahead, specific things that I wish to do this upcoming year. What I will also cover is how content I have become with myself as I have aged. There are still areas to work on, especially in the area of social anxiety and social awkwardness, but for the most part I am happy with how I have evolved as a person. When I first started there were areas that were hard for me, areas that now seem like second nature. This is going to be a great journey this year which you will hear about when I post part 2 of this.