You would think that as I approach 50 years old that I would have it all figured out by now,  but I don’t,  not by a long shot. It is something that I am getting closer to though,  partially getting back to the way that I used to be and partially evolving into who I want to be …  (continued below)

Yet another party has come and gone and once more the smile remains on my face a week later. It is hard to explain to anyone,  in fact I don’t even know if I can. Many years ago I was living in the projects and someone knocked on my door. Trying to work out who it was I discovered it was my next door neighbor who had locked herself out and she was trying to use my balcony to get into her own apartment. What I remember most of all though was when another person who was in the hallway replied to the question   “Who lives there”? The response was  “A jolly white guy”

That’s who I am now,  that old jolly white guy.

I really believe that when my younger brother died it changed me for the worse. There was a bit of anger in me and quite a bit of anti-social behavior. I’ve never really been one to take anyone’s shit,  but over the last few years I started to challenge people,  even so far as doing so in public. Sometimes I felt I was on a suicide mission,  lol. But I changed my life,  I quit going out drinking,  went on a lifestyle changing diet,  lost a ton of weight and started to get my confidence back.

Spanking is my outlet from the day to day rigors of life. It excites me,  it pleasures me and it provides stimulation to my mind on a day to day basis. For some reason I lost the fun for such a long time. I’m not going to lie,  partially it was the negativity that I perceived was happening more than I cared for. Here is the thing though,  the negativity was always there,  what had changed was my reception to it and how I handled it.

Case in point,  it is the nature of the beast that you are going to be insulted from time to time,  whether maliciously or otherwise. At the party last year I was insulted and my reaction to it was pretty strong,  it pissed me off to no end and made me really mad. This year was no different,  on one occasion I was insulted,  but here is the thing,  my reaction to it this year was completely different. This year I was disappointed and I thought of the good things about the party. I wasn’t at the party to encroach on anyone’s territory,  I had all the fun that I needed and a line of people to share that fun with. Instead of stewing about it,  I just distanced myself from the situation and avoided it the best I could. The line was drawn in the sand and I had no intention of crossing it,  my side of the sand was beautiful.

The bottom line is that you are in control of how you respond to everything and how you present yourself to others. The biggest change for me from last year is that I’m not going to allow myself to be emasculated online anymore. I’m still the same fun guy who likes to play,  I will still make the crazy videos where I set myself up as the bad guy and I will still be the butt of a joke just as long as I am a part of the joke. No longer will I play the role of human piñata anymore.

I still need to work on my feelings to online postings and I have to focus on the fun aspect of it. It should be pretty easy,  there are a ton of fun people to engage with,  though I tend to get pulled into the negativity that is posted. That is going to be my biggest challenge. Despite having one of the best times ever last week I got drawn into it once more,  I wanted to read about everyone’s happiness and joy,  the last thing that I wanted was to hear about the sucky side of attending parties. As I said above though,  it was really down to me to focus on all of the positives and ignore the negative side of things. Case in point,  the Brit meet was a roaring success with a room chock full of people,  yet it didn’t stop someone badmouthing the event no sooner than stepping five feet in the room. I handled that one well though,  I just shook my head and felt sorry for the person. It wasn’t the event that pissed them off,  it was the fact that I had arranged something so successful. There is a reason that I have stopped posting threads on the spanking world,  my life has changed quite a bit and if I don’t mind saying so,  it has changed for the better.

There is a fear about writing about spanking parties in that one is going to summarize the event and it will be inevitable that someone will be offended at having been left out. That is something that I can’t help though,  I can only write about the things that stood out for me as really special memories. At the party I must have played with about 40 girls,  so if your name isn’t mentioned then please don’t take it personally,  for one I’m a guy and I just won’t remember every play session that I had.

Let me start with elleebutt.

Before the party I had exchanged text’s and messages with ellee,  knowing that being at a party of this magnitude and being one of the people who greeted pretty much everyone,  we were going to be lucky to get any time together,  certainly as it relates to previous events anyway.

We had one big event that we had planned and it was something to look forward to with Alex Reynolds,  though of course I was hoping for more being the greedy sod that I am. On Thursday I was very fortunate that I asked her to play and she gladly agreed. You know what,  I have never spanked a girl wearing yoga pants before,  and elleebutt in yoga pants just made me shake my head with how lucky I was.

Of course I knew that under the pants there would be a thong and I took some delight in hearing her explanation (which I knew already) about not wearing panties under yoga pants because of panty lines. Psst,  ellee,  it’s a spanking party,  panty lines under yoga pants are TOTALLY acceptable at a spanking party.

The schoolgirl scene that I did with ellee and Alex will be in part two of this tale,  but I want to point out something that really meant something special to me.

On Saturday night I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off,  bouncing from one area to the next and feeling pretty tired. Heading towards my room for a bit I bumped into ellee who was milling around the area where my room was. Of course I grabbed her for a hug and asked her what she was up to. Her response blew me away and was the nicest thing that I heard all weekend. Now I know a lot of people said a lot of nice things,  but this one meant something very personal to me.

ellee responded to my question by saying  “I’m waiting for you to give me a spanking”

I’m not over exaggerating here,  those words made me feel like a king. Neither one of us were going to go short in the play department this weekend and her and I have played a lot of the last six months,  so even if we didn’t play a whole lot then I just knew that on other occasions this year we will. I’m telling you though,  that act made me feel so special as a person. Somebody who means so much to me was prepared to wait for me and perhaps even turn down play by doing so,  just so that she could give me an audience,  man I felt so good about myself. ellee was already on a high platform in my eyes for what she has done for my emotional state this year,  that simple act has elevated her even higher in my eyes,  she is a very,  very special person.

I’m going to finish off segment one with my roommate,  Missy Doright. Both Missy and ellee will feature in the second part but I want to also give Missy her own space.

A year ago we had shared a room once more as we had done at previous parties. Due to my demeanor at that party,  it wasn’t an event for the history books and we hardly played that weekend. Once the party was done we even lost touch for quite a while afterwards.

In Vegas this year and even before,  the two of us had reconnected just like we had when we first met. In fact in Vegas there was a happy spark,  the playful banter and some great play sessions.

My approach this year was entirely different, no longer was I the lord protector. This year I took my own times with Missy as special events,  but aside from that she was on her own. I desperately wanted her to go out and get her butt beat,  or beat some butts,  get her punishments due and cry some tears.

This is about me now and how content I have become. So many people have given me validation this year as to my value as a person,  and Missy is no different. Her approach to me has been a lesson as to how I approach others. When we left Vegas on the van ride to the hotel,  Missy said the following  “I could kiss ellee for giving you your mojo back”

Think about that for a minute. Missy is thinking about me,  she is thinking about ellee and she is wanting the best for the people that she cares for. It was a further lesson for me,  and while I have always wanted the best for my friends and for them to be happy with what they do,  it reinforced in my mind that things are good for me.

Here is the deal. At one point in my life I concerned myself too much with how I was viewed by other people,  not really from a competition standpoint but from where I stood in the pecking order. That isn’t something that I think about anymore,  I know where I stand and it isn’t on the platform that other people put me on,  it is on the platform that I put myself on.

I’m really a simple creature,  yet so complex. All I need in life is to have some importance to someone else. Quite frankly I really don’t know if I can explain it fully without coming across as an egocentric prick,  because that really isn’t how I look at it. All I want is some importance to someone,  no matter how small it is. I’m not in competition with anyone,  I don’t have any resentment towards others and what they have,  I’m just really,  really comfortable with what I have. If I’m important enough to someone that they will take an extra step for me,  then by default that person is important to me. You all know that I have written at great length about this,  but it is a very integral part of who I am. Perhaps it is ego driven,  I really don’t know,  but when someone does something for me it empowers me and makes me feel dominant,  which in our world is never a bad thing. If it is all about them then I simply go through the routine of being rent-a-spanker.

Today is one of those days where I could write forever about my feelings and perhaps I will continue writing right now,  who knows. There is quite a popular fetish out there that has many variables,  it goes along the lines of  “I want a man who is strong enough to dominate me”,  I take it one further as to how I view it  “I want a woman strong enough to allow me to dominate her”

Back to Missy’s comment. ellee didn’t give me my mojo back,  I found that myself,  what ellee did was put the spark back in my eye,  she reminded me of the joy that I should be feeling. She made me feel important and special,  she took the blinders off of me. That enjoyment was always there for me to have,  I just wasn’t allowing myself to have it. There are a great many people who have done that for me for years,  I just wasn’t allowing myself to see it. Missy was one of those people,  she is no different than she was last year. What was different this year was that I allowed myself to see it.

Do you know what it means to me to tame the tiger? Not what you might think!

It was all about validation. Before turning in for the night Missy had texted me  “Let me know when you go to bed so that I can get a bedtime spanking”. Strike 1,  I had my place,  I was important enough that I was wanted. Strike 2,  Missy came in the room and pounced on me like a tiger attacking her prey,  it was validation that she was happy in my company,  relaxed,  playful and looking forward to me. Strike 3,  she bounced on the bed on all fours growling at me,  telling me visually that she wanted to dance. Strike 4,  I put her over my knee and turned her from a playful tiger to a purring kitten within a minute. Strike 5,  afterwards we snuggled and she fell asleep while I lay there with a big smile on my face,  I was someone!

I’m pretty complex,  aren’t I?

I don’t even know if anyone gets what I am saying,  gets me or even understands a word that I am talking about,  but I know it. Spanking isn’t about competition for me,  it isn’t about keeping up with the Jones’,  it isn’t worrying about what other people have. What I have is magical and the people who get me share that magic. I don’t dish out pity spankings,  and by pity spankings I mean  “I best let Richard play with me”. All I ever wanted was a small spark that I mean something to someone,  that I am important enough in their eyes that they want to engage with me.

The biggest step of all,  and the one that none of this would be possible was the very first step. First of all I had to be comfortable with whom I was,  and now I am. My confidence is oozing,  I’m confident enough to say to myself that I don’t want to be with the cool kids if I am not cool enough for them. Why on earth would I? I have the best life ever! When one of my girls does something for me and makes me someone important to them,  then it makes me feel like the coolest kid on the block,  and it makes them a princess in my eyes.

I didn’t get very far on a party report,  did I? It doesn’t matter though,  in part two I will get down to the nitty gritty about the event itself and the wonderful people who I played with. I kind of shortchanged Missy in this episode,  didn’t I,  so I will start with her in part two of my party tales. To finish with though,  here are 3 important things to me that happened to me last week,  just to further confuse you about who I am.

Prux was bitterly disappointed to a point that she almost cried because I had let her down,  and while this may confuse you,  that was something very important. Why you may ask? It is simple,  it meant that I really meant something to her that she was so upset about it,  and that to me makes her very important in my eyes. I can’t fix what I did,  or more importantly what I didn’t do,  but what I can do is go the extra mile the next time that I see her to show her that she is important to me as well. It won’t fix everything,  but it will show her that I am human and that I make mistakes.

Often I see someone dressed nicely and I say to myself  “They look nice”. Last week I didn’t do that. Last week I saw someone wearing a beautiful dress and I went out of my way to tell them that I thought it looked gorgeous,  for no other reason than I wanted them to feel good about themselves. It was about the only words that I spoke all weekend to this person,  but it made me feel really good to say that.

And lastly for now,  the party was over,  everyone was saying their goodbyes and I had my own journey to make home. Missy wouldn’t let me,  she wanted to drive me somewhere,  no matter where that was. She wanted to spend just a little extra time with me. Now read all that I have written above and answer me this,  how do you think that made me feel about myself?