Some of you guys are going to find a lot of vanilla talk in this blog in relation to spanking, so if this doesn’t interest you then it is best that you stop here. Well, at least read the first part about “Where in the world?”
I don’t mind admitting it, I’m a bit of a stat whore. Pretty much every day I am hitting up Google analytics to see how many hits I get each day, it almost becomes an obsession at times. Well now I have found a website that lets you know where your website ranks amongst the websites around the world. Right now there are roughly 65 million websites on the Internet, so I had to find out where mine stood. My current ranking is as follows:
2,039,183
So I sit just outside of the 2 million mark for the Internet’s most popular websites, with my goal of course to break the 2 million barrier as soon as I can. I think things are heading in the right direction because in the last 3 months my ranking has raised 440,000 places.
Okay, so that is pretty much useless information for you but like I said, I’m a stat whore!!
Now then, I’m turning things dark for a while and I’m going to talk about relationships, or more to the point, how spanking seems to prevent me from having them!!
Just lately, as I like to refer to it, I have had some serious mojo back. I went out with this great girl and I even told her as much what I do for leisure time activities. She never batted an eyelid and carried on as normal. Now even though nothing can or will happen in that situation, it was nice to have some serious flirting with her, something that is probably going to continue at that level. Also, I had this great run in with this girl that has just moved in next door this past weekend. We were both in the Laundromat and struck up a conversation. She is a Croatian girl and is as wild as can be, even so much as lowering her shorts for me to see her tattoos. The conversation with this girl went great and we bonded tremendously, culminating with her saying to me as I was leaving “You should come up one day and we can hang out”. Now I’m not so daft as to not know what she has on her mind, but am I going to go up to her apartment to hang out with her? Probably not!! Then there is the ongoing saga with the girl on the bus, if you look back in the archives there is a tale about her. On Friday she spoke to me as I stood under scant cover in the pouring rain, then today I actually got to speak to her on the bus. This one is early going but I have a feeling that she is actually married, but that point isn’t as important in regards to this post.
So the reason for posting this is because I am a little down right now, a really good week with members of the opposite sex has me feeling a little depressed. You guys don’t need to be that smart to work out why I am a little depressed. It all comes down to spanking. These three great girls are just going to fade away like 50 more before them, because I can’t live without spanking in my life, I have tried it, and I just can’t do it. And I don’t mind telling you, it kinda sucks a little bit right now.
I read a lot of blogs and I follow the lives of a lot of married spankos on online discussion boards. A lot of the time I feel pretty sad for some of them because they can’t live the free lifestyle that I live, they were married before the advent of the internet and before it was possible to actually meet up with people who shared the same interest they do. Now I don’t mean sad in a patronizing way, I mean sad that these people have my sympathy because I can only imagine how difficult that must be for them.
At the same time though, I wonder if they feel sympathy for me also. They follow my trials and tribulations, they read my stories of spanking partners and my tales of meeting girls I cannot be with because of my spanking fetish. It makes me ask the question to myself, are people happier to be spankos married to a vanilla, or I am happier to be a free spanko but without a female companion? It is a question I don’t know the answer to and I’m not likely to find out, because I never follow up on pursuing a vanilla relationship. Maybe a part of this feeling comes from a comment that I heard last week, something that kind of struck me in a bad way. It was a pretty innocuous comment because the person in no way was referring to me when they made the comment, but the comment went as follows. “Any guy who is in his 40’s and is not married must have something seriously wrong with him”
The comment wasn’t directed towards me because the person doesn’t know me, but the first thing I thought of was “Hey, wait a minute, that’s me!”
Yep, I started to question whether or not there really is something wrong with me. It made me pause and think, hang on, I’m 44 years old and I’ve never been married. It all goes back to that spanking thing, going from one partner to another while a bevy of beautiful girls pass me by without me giving them so much as a second glance. You’d think that living in New York City with perhaps a million single women available that I could connect with someone local, yet all of my spanking relationships have been primarily long distance ones. Then I question whether or not that is deliberate on my part, keeping a distance so that I can always keep my options open.
So it brings me back to the girls that I started this with. Will I have some form of sexual relationship with any of them? The truth is, I probably will to fill that void, BUT, it will make me come off as the cold hearted bastard that I am so often referred to because I won’t strive to make a relationship work until the person moves on through total frustration. Then I can go back to my spanking dreams and lifestyle and searching for that one New York girl who has the total package. That package is, I adore her, she adores me, and most importantly, she is totally into spanking!! You would think it would be easy in New York City, but it’s not.
Normally I wouldn’t post like this, even when I might be feeling it, but this blog is about my life and I think it is only right to post when I am down as well as up. Its funny when I think about it really, because I have the opportunity to perhaps hook up with any one of three lovely girls, yet all I can think of is what the long term prognosis is, and I know it isn’t good. I’m not sure if any of you other single spankos go through the same thing, and I would love to hear from you if you do.
When this type of things happens it tears me down the middle and affects how I react in the spanking world, almost like I’m fighting it!! Because of the attention I have received the last week or so I have also withdrawn totally from the online spanking community. My spanking friends have not heard from me at all for more than a week now, save for Pixie, but she is more of a true friend than just a spanking friend. The groups that I play on I am absent from, most notably spankinginternet.com, I haven’t been there for a week now and I have no desire at this moment to even so much as visit there. It kind of blows because ol’ Houndog has been around forever and I know that some people wonder where I am when I disappear like this. The truth is though, I withdraw myself from that board and others because of what I have just written here. I am getting some vanilla affection from several sources, I like it, I like it a lot in fact, but it also brings depressed feelings because I know that the spanking urge will come back stronger than ever very soon.
Anybody has any thoughts or feelings, or even perhaps some personal experiences in regards to this? It is something I have gone through for years, sometimes as long as three months I will withdraw from the spanking community and the spanking friends I have made online while I pursue a companion for a short time. I guess part of the problem is that this is the second time already this year that I have done this. Earlier on this year I hooked up with a long time friend just so that we could share some mutual affection for a couple of months, and trust me guys, her life is really bizarre so I know why she needs to take a break from time to time and live a normal life for a short period.
I guess the crux of the matter boils down to this. I’m once more taking a short break from spanking activities while I take part in the dating game like normal folks do. Most guys won’t really discuss their feelings as much as I do (I guess that’s why I have a blog, lol) but I don’t mind admitting it, I want, need and crave a little bit of affection from the opposite sex for a little while. The question is though, will that just increase my depressed state because what I really seek is a spanko girl, or, should I see a potential relationship out and be depressed during it while I crave spanking back in my life? Whatever way you look at it, it kind of sucks, right? I know what’s going to happen, it always does happen this way, I will snuggle up with some girl, get cozy and start to form something, then I will just begin to fade away when my spanking mojo comes back and I seek that full time local spanking partner.
It also blows because I am also a firm believer in monogamous relationships, which somehow makes it harder to meet a spanking partner. For some reason I can’t seem to find that one girl who wants one guy and vice versa, I know they are out there, I’ve heard about them, lol.
Richard Windsor
I don’t have any great insights to offer, but you said to chime in if we could relate to it–so I’m chiming in. I TOTALLY relate to this.
It’s hard enough finding the right partner. Throw in the whole sore bottom thing? You’ve just made it ten times more difficult!
Hey Richard,
I know exactly what you feel about being single and a spanko. Sure I go out and play and have my fun, but when I get home and thinking, I’m wondering, will “I” ever find a man out there who likes me for me and who enjoys the spanking part of me too? Not to mention enjoys spanking as much as I do?
I’ve been out there and encounter the vanilla men, spent time getting to know then a little, and then I just lose interest. WHY? Because they aren’t like me!! They don’t like the spanking as much as I do and well that’s a huge part of who I am. Talk about being frustrated!! I even ventured into the BDSM scene in the hopes of finding someone, and I’m lucky to have a Dom that I play with pretty regularly, but He’s not someone that is available for me to pursue.
At any rate, I try and tell myself to be patient, but when you go out the local spanking parties, you see the same people. I have met quite a few great spankers at the past SL parties, but still, with distance in the way, that makes things hard too.
I wonder what to do at times. So I just continue on about my life WITHOUT a spanking partner or a love interest. I’m like you I guess, wondering if this is how life is supposed to be for me. I was lucky once…had a guy who loved me and spanked me everyday!! I knew he was the one and then one day….he was gone…his life over and there I was…alone. Sometimes when I get down, I think that maybe I had my chance and chances to find love and spanking may only come around once in your life. Who knows….but seriously I HOPE NOT!!
Just know Richard, that I totally know how you feel. It’s too bad we live on opposites coasts, but it sure would be fun to meet you at the next SL party if you go!!
~funny brat girl…maria
First of all, forget that ignorant comment about men past 40 not being married. That is a bogus cliche. People don’t get married because they choose not to. I am 49 and have never been married, and I never intend to. In another age, that would have made me a “spinster.” And I couldn’t care less.
Second, I feel bad that you seem to think you can have love OR spanking, not both. I really do believe that one can have both — granted, it’s challenging, but I think the key is to resign yourself to the fact that you are a spanko, and should limit your search to other spankos.
Honey, over the years, I have spoken with literally dozens of men into spanking who married vanilla. Yeah, they love their wives, but their spanking sides hunger and yearn. It doesn’t go away. Some of them play on the side. Some of them settle for cyber. Others simply live in denial. I think that’s kind of sad.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Why CAN’T you have both? Just my thoughts…hugs to you. — Erica
I just wonder why you have to lump FRIENDS as either spanking or vanilla.
I know for a fact that some of your “spanking” friends view you as simply a friend and that getting ignored until you decide to come back hurts them and not everyone will wait, some will move on.
As for the rest of it…I don’t have a relationship and pretty much have given up on the pipedream of having one. I think it’s just hard to fine someone period.
I do wax and wane with my spanking interest and with my online chatting interest (I do the retreat thing as well when I’m feeling down about things)
I have been guilty of being a fair-weather friend when I can’t be bothered to cultivate the friendships I have. Not surprisingly, some of those friendships are lost, some are still there but the closeness is lost, and other friendships still slog on in spite of my behaviour.
I regret losing some of the friendships that moved on without me, but people have a way of moving on with their lives with or without you.
iggy
DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP! Sorry about the shouting, but I have to admit your post has made me a bit angry. Like yourself I am over 40 and single, unlike yourself I am mostly a bottom not a top. I live in a country with virtualy no CP community, I have to rely on a few SM friends the odd transient EFL (English First Language ) enthusiast passing through and yes occasionaly even paying for it, when times are realy dry, to continue playing. But I ain’t stopped looking for an appropriate partner and nor will I because of the fact that I AIN’T DEAD YET. You have links with ongoing communities, you are a well known face and being a top the years should be an advantage to you (as a bottom even at my age I still find myself mostly attracted to more mature women). Perhaps its time you counted your blessings and saw the hard parts of relationships as challanges to be victoriously overcome and not impeniterable barriers. Like the song said “Never feel guilty never give in.”
Prefectdt
Thanks for posting this, Richard. As a single spanko girl who’ll be 29 in less than a month, I can relate. My vanilla friends don’t understand my unwillingness to date–especially those who have tried to set me up on blind dates. But, over the years, I’ve dated a few vanilla guys and it just doesn’t work for me. There are those who are more than willing to convert and those actually work out really well for me–but that’s been ages. There are those who will try it and don’t like it and those who won’t try it at all–and that never lasts longer than a few months for me.
I am not married because I choose not to be married. I enjoy my life. I do want to get married someday and live happily ever after…but I’m not willing to sacrifice my singlehood just to marry the wrong guy. I need and want spanking in my life, so it’s on my list of requirements for a potential mate.
Honestly, though, I don’t see that many spankos either. I’ve met with a few in the last year and none have worked out at all. As for SIN, I was absent from there for over a year–not so much as a post from me. Right now, I don’t have any profiles active (except for SIN because it doesn’t net me anything anyway and I keep it up for the discussion board). I’ve got my blog, but it’s not like that helps me find anyone. I am meeting with someone in September who is coming over from Britain–but I’m sure I’ll just look like another chubby American girl to this chap. Yeah, I’m in a funk, too…probably why I appreciate this article so much.
Ruby
Richard Said ”Now then, I’m turning things dark for a while and I’m going to talk about relationships, or more to the point, how spanking seems to prevent me from having them!!”
I read no more than this… it was just too close to home. I feel cursed a lot of the time, to the point that if I could have therapy just to switch of my spanko urges (possibly my entire sexuality) I would.
I hit 40 this year, a month and a bit after breaking up with my nth significant other, who for a time lived with my proclivity. .
What have I done since? Signed up on all the spanko and SM forums and communities, punted out the most honest ad I ever grew balls enough to write. And the result… sod all. I like to think I have lots more to offer than a right hand and a kinky sexuality… but that little sexual gremlin, means to me; that I don’t want to be just a vanilla… I’m not… I never have been, not since 11 years old or there abouts … and probably will never be.
If I’d known the future pain of loneliness, that I would have endured throughout my adult life because of my “in my very genes spankoness” I would probably have just had my nuts cut off. As it is… I live in hope… and even that can be a curse… Hope can let you down gentlyhard every night, when I pull up the covers and close my eyes, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
So there. The most miserable depressing comment I’ve ever written on any blog anywhere.
Hope says: “The only way is up”. Hopes a bastard :-). I wish you well.
I got married ten years ago when I was in my “spanking is bad forget about it” phase. Bad mistake – somehow I managed to get married to a nice guy who doesn’t even like vanilla sex much. I’m really miserable. They say women reach their sexual peak at 40 – I’m almost 40 and I want sex and spanking so bad it’s all I can think about sometimes. Now I have to decide if I need to leave my husband or just be unfulfilled the rest of my life.
He knows about my spanking thing and has even tried to spank me but you can’t train a guy to spank and there is zero chemistry between us.
Anyway, there’s women out there who like spanking and like long term monogamous relationships and I wish you luck finding one. I’m far from an optimist, but I believe it’s very possible and even likely, if that’s what you want.
Wow. Everyone seems to have said a lot of good things. I don’t have your experience with a large number of play partners as most of my spankings have been given in m relationship with D. And relationships are hard regardless of spanking or no spanking. But I could never be with a vanilla man so I don’t think you should settle either.
As for being in your 40’s and not married, it’s better than being a 29 year old divorcee because you settled and married for the wrong reasons only to create a lot of chaos and pain when you leave when you finally realize that the relationship is all wrong for you. I’m great friends with my ex husband now but most people aren’t as lucky.
I really do hope you find what you’re looking for, whatever you decide that to be.
XOXOXO
~TX Spankogirl~
Hugs Rich! I feel like I live in a fairytale sometimes when I think about how lucky I am to have found N. I realized early into college that vanilla guys would never work, I always drove them away with “the need”, that they could never figure out, or fulfill even if they did. I met N on SIN and while some days it’s the same old relationship fights, somenights it’s glorious spanking heaven.
I’m always told I’m too young to give advice, and that’s fine, everyone’s entitled to their opinion. However, I truely believe that there is a sweet spanko cutie out there waiting for you, because you deserve it. You have way more than enoough “being a good friend” karma points.
Chin up love!
HUGS
~sarah
Hi, Richard!
First thing that comes to mind is–could one of those 3 ladies be a potential or secret spankos in disguise? Do you know for a solid gold fact that they are all strictly vanilla? Might one of them have an interest that is waiting to be brought out, or might be intrigued by the idea and might actually wind up liking it?
You don’t know if you don’t try, I guess….
I enjoy your blog (I especially like the “vintage” photos you sometimes put up)and your thoughtful posts as well.
This post, as so many have mentioned, hit close to home for me as well.
44 and never married? I’m 55 and never married. The love of my life, a cute red-headed spanko named Diane passed away almost 7 years. I had found no one before her–I’ve found no one since. Yes, I’m looking, and I can even think of a woman or two who seems interested in me–but I have zero interest in them. Very nice ladies, both like spanking–but the attraction just isn’t there for me.
Can’t find a partner in New York?
I’m in Minnesota! There ARE no spankos in Minnesota except me (ok, that’s not true, and we all know it, but it sure seems that way sometimes….) More to the point, perhaps, would be to say that I haven’t found the lady who would love me as much as I love her and shares the love of spanking. Sound familiar?
In other words, you’re not alone in this. There’s a lot of us in the same boat (even if it seems like the Titanic at times).
All I can tell you is–don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. You won’t find anyone if you don’t look. If you just assume that the worst is going to happen again and therefore, why try, you’re right…nothing will happen.
Call me foolish or crazy. I believe in love, I believe in romance, and a mutual love of spanking adds a wonderful spice to a relationship. And somewhere out there IS a partner for me, and for you as well.
Never stop searching…..
Dr. Ken
Dr Ken said:
Call me foolish or crazy. I believe in love, I believe in romance, and a mutual love of spanking adds a wonderful spice to a relationship. And somewhere out there IS a partner for me, and for you as well.
Never stop searching…..
Lovely Autumn says:
There is the hope I was talking about. Bless you cotton socks Doc, we ever hopefuls make it hard for ourselves. And as for looking up… all I’ve seen was the sky 😉
Who said you had to marry any of these girls? Love, and relationships, just don’t ‘happen’. If you don’t even venture out when you meet supposed vanillas who show interest in you, you’ll never know whether or not the possibility exists that it could work, that she may even be kinkier than you. It seems, in a way, you’ve already decided about anyone who you meet through a vanilla venue as not being relateable.
Of course it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating in the spanko community even to come across someone who is not just on for their own fantasies and who go back to their ‘vanilla’ life and families when they walk away from the computer. It can be just as frustrating as sifting through vanillas.
Rich, you and I are friends and you know I do not say any of this in malice. I do think there may be something deeper keeping you from forming relationships. I am not 100% certain what it is. You’re a great guy, nice as can be, a good heart and a gentleman.
I will yim you with more private thoughts. 🙂 Love to you and I wish you well.
g.
Sometimes life with a vanilla can work out.
I came of age long before the internet. Got into my first spanking relationshp at sixteen, and enjoyed eight years of off and on play with him before I met the man who became my husband.
I hear all about how great the internet is for spankos. Frankly, I’m glad that wasn’t my introduction.
I got my feet wet without worrying about which label I was or about any ‘rules’. We didn’t use a safeword. We played after a drink or three. I topped from the bottom, and so did he. I didn’t behave like a ‘proper’ bottom should. None of that seemed to matter though – we were happy and had fun.
Some paint a very idealized picture of a spanko relationship – one that rarely would be possible in reality.
I married a vanilla, thinking he was a shy spanko. Nope, just a playful butt-man.
I suppressed the urge for 12 years, once I realized that I had been mistaken.
At 37, I decided to come out to him. Was that easy? No way. Did he get it at first, and just give me my fantasy spanking? Nope.
He worried about hurting me. He’d give me a half-dozen taps and call it a day. I could have just thrown in the towel and accepted that he was not ‘like me’. But I didn’t. I tried to remember that if he WASN’T leery about ‘hitting’ me, tht he wouldn’t be the man I married.
Four years later he’s armed to the teeth, has attended spanking parties with me, played with more people than I have (in my presence) and is pretty adept at figuring out when I NEED a spanking, and not just when I’d like one. He’s also figured out that it can be a great stress release for him, as well as for me.
He’s a good man who has grown into a pretty skilled spanker. Is he a natural born Top? No, and thank God. I’d probably spend more time than I do with a sore ass, and probably wouldn’t enjoy having it get that way nearly as much as I (usually) do. LOL
There is no perfect solution. But there are good ones. Happy ones. I’ll take my tainted vanilla over a married man across the continent anyday. 🙂
Not all vanillas work out. But some can. Good luck.
Hi Rich,
I guess I’d say I’m a ‘stat whore’ as well, as that topic is quite fascinating.
The relationship issues, oh man, now that is a complicated topic! Briefly, I think sometimes I love having this ‘interest,’ and other times it’s like a monkey on one’s back….
d-
I can relate to what you say, Richard. I just turned 40 and have had few vanilla girlfriends since graduating from college. I’ve met lots of wonderful friends into spanking, but for one reason or another (distance, marital status, age, etc) they remained just friends. I’ve met ONE woman with whom both the spanking and the relationship worked…at least for a few years. Those may not sound like the best odds; one complete spanking relationship in 17 years, but I have had some great experiences with people who became true friends (and, to be honest, I wasn’t pining away for a true love all that time — I was having fun when I played).
It is worth noting that the few times I dated women through more conventional means I was able to successfully introduce them to spanking. I may not have always been able to spank them quite the same way as my spanking friends, but they enjoyed it enough to want to brat their way into getting one on many occasions. These days I’m thinking about the “initiating a vanilla” angle more. Although I admit I would move slow. It also means I would have to be very cautious as to how much or how hard but I think the positive reaction from the spankee is the real reward for me. Not spanking as hard as I can.
Hiya,
Being that I’m in a different situation, I can’t quite relate to your circumstances, but I sure can sympathize! A very close friend of mine is almost 40 and never married. He is a hard core spanker at heart and I listen to him share much of the same frustrations you have. He longs for a full time fulfilling relationship, eventual marriage and even kids, with someone that enjoys ttwd as much as he does. He spends time with vanilla girls, trying to make a go at a relationship when he connects with someone, but it always ends because they aren’t into spanking and he needs that in his life. He had plenty of spanking friends and girls to spank, but not the “whole package.” He will withdraw from those spanko friends (including me) also while pursuing vanilla relationships or just when he’s in a funk so to speak.
On the other hand, I can totally relate to the part you mentioned about spankos married to a vanilla. I got married well before the internet. I had spanking desires way before marriage, but at the time believed them to be abnormal as no one (at least that I knew of) talked about spanking. There was virtually no outlet to meet or to even talk to others who enjoyed spanking. Of course, years later, those urges resurfaced. They were always there as spanking is a part of who I am. It’s quite hard to be in a great relationship with someone who doesn’t share those needs/interests. I’d need my own blog to go further into those thoughts 🙂
From reading your blog and all your posts on SIN, it seems you’re a great person that is caring, kind and has a great sense of humor. I know the right gal is out there and you will find each other. The old saying that you often find what you’re looking for right in front of you, when you aren’t looking, rings so true so many times. Who knows if those vanilla girls you speak of are really vanilla?
Best of luck finding the person for you, but in the meantime, enjoy your friends and get your spankings in 🙂
Have been wondering where you were, hope you’re feeling better, we miss you over at SIN.
tk
Is It Normal for a guy to be a spanko? well, yes but what im really asking is it normal/common for a guy to be the kind of spanko that likes to be spanked? ive been trying all over the internet to find an answer but…. no reply….my email is tiguhguher@yahoo.com i want multiple opinions