First of all I was happy to see that my last post received some great feedback between here,  MY TWITTER FEED and a Facebook group that I am on. You have to remember that this spanking blog is about my journey,  my personal take on spanking and the things that I like and enjoy. I’m never going to be the most popular spanking blog out there,  my tastes are very personal for something like that to happen,  but what I like to think is that for those of you who also enjoy what I like that this is then an outlet for you. There are a hundred different topics that I could write about and give you my personal take on them. There always seemed to be one thought on the spanking forums,  and that was that men never say what it is that they like. I’m as far from that as anybody as I know exactly what I like and I have no problem whatsoever in expressing those thoughts.

Even though I played a lot at the last party,  for the most part I am actually one of the guys who doesn’t play anywhere near as much as the others. Probably the biggest reason for that is my old mantra that I simply cannot help or avoid,  it is ingrained in me. No matter what the status of the person in question,  if they do not wish to play with me then I simply have no interest in playing with them either. To me it is like whatever your spanking preference happens to be,  it is something that you can’t change,  and I can’t change the way I am either. It is deeper than just spanking,  it is an overall perception of how someone may interact with me. That isn’t a negative at all,  because the play that I do have tends to be of the highest level,  I’m very much a less is more man.

Part of my reasons for backing out of the scene for so long are pretty simple. The hatred and negativity out there is perhaps the biggest turn off. I don’t always say to myself that it is how people respond to me,  I’m also aware of how people portray themselves and react to others. It wouldn’t feel the same if someone treated me like gold but treated everyone else with contempt. I love what I do,  I love the people who are able to connect with me,  and I have no issues at all in expressing just what exactly it is that would make me happy in a spanking scene.

Don’t get me wrong,  spanking is like any partnership or friendship,  there is give and take on both sides. I do tend to think though that when you express what it is that you like,  it becomes so easy to find a like minded person who is also able to bring what they like to the table and you can compromise on something fantastic. There was a two year period where I was completely blessed in the spanking world,  it had reached a pinnacle for me,  so much so in fact that it almost ruined me because I had climbed to the spanking mountaintop!!

A lot of the drop from where I once was,  was self inflicted. There are definitely areas where I have to work extra hard. One of them I mentioned in a spanking sense but it also applies in a real life sense. There are many friendships that I have lost that I perhaps could have worked on and maintained them,  but just like what I said about spanking it also appears in real life,  if somebody shows me that they don’t care much for me,  I’m okay with it. Even if I am fond of them I have no desire to battle to be someone’s friend. There is no malice in me,  in fact quite the opposite,  if someone was a person who was good enough for me to be friends with,  they will always be a friend of mine,  even if they don’t view me the same. Should there be a day where I get married,  they will know that I still view them as friends when they get the invite. Life is too short,  if a person feels they are better off going in a different direction I wish nothing but the best for them,  after all,  why wouldn’t you want your friends to be happy?

A lot of this stems from losing family over the years,  it really mellows you and allows you to focus on what is important. In 1999 I lost my father,  now when I grew up there was a family of five of us,  with very minimal interaction with extended family save for when I spent the summers in Brighton at my Aunt’s house. You expect your parents to die before you so while it is obviously a traumatic experience,  it is something that is natural. In 2009 though,  I lost my younger brother.

Losing him had a major affect on me,  he died way too young at 41. It is still something so vivid,  and while I couldn’t attend the funeral due to my lack of a passport,  I did record a eulogy for him. The funny part is,  even to this day I have never listened to it myself.

Talk about a range of emotions,  four days after my brother died and once I knew that I couldn’t fly home,  I also had a flight and hotel booked for the wedding of two friends. I remember being at work feeling obviously shitty and not knowing what the right thing was to do. It was a friend at work who set me right,  and he also happened to be the same guy who suggested that I record a eulogy. His advice was simple  “You can be miserable here,  or you could be miserable at the wedding”. It was stunning advice when you think about it,  in a nutshell he was basically saying that life goes on regardless. There was a guilty feeling inside of me that made me vomit,  how could I enjoy myself when I should be mourning,  indeed was mourning. It was the right decision though,  despite how I personally felt internally,  and how sad I was,  two people who I cared about were getting married. There is still a tiny part of me that harbours a little guilt,  that I was attending a wedding and not a funeral for my brother,  but those circumstances were out of my control. Life was still going on and something wonderful was happening despite my sadness. No matter where I was,  it was going to be tough.

So finally,  as you all now know,  my mother also passed away from cancer late last year. The emotions there were purely based upon not wanting someone to suffer. If you know me personally,  you know my story,  we didn’t have the closest mother/son relationship. Bottom line though it was still my mom. During the final days it was really hard,  and I was given the final conversation with her before she slipped away. She actually held on for two days but never spoke or was conscious after my conversation with her. I have to say that my conversation with her was cathartic,  right up until the end I was able to hold my head up high. Even though I could write a book on what I felt internally and some of the things I have wanted to say over the last 40 years,  I never did. It was stiff upper lip time,  I told her that I loved her and I let her go with the knowledge that the son she lost was there for her right up until the last breath and that she was loved. There is nothing about that I would ever want to change,  I empowered myself to make the decision that I felt was the right one. Nothing could ever change what is in my mind,  only me,  to give someone the dignity of dying knowing that they were loved is about as much catharsis as one could bestow upon themselves. I’m proud of the way that I handled myself.

My goal wasn’t to go in this direction today,  it just happened. There were five of us growing up and now only two of us remain,  I’ll be fucked if I don’t spend the remaining time that I have left enjoying life and people the best that I can. When you lose family you understand what it is that is important. I harbour no grudges towards anyone,  life is far too short and there is so much left to enjoy. I’ve lost a father,  a mother and a brother,  it does make you evaluate how you proceed in life. I’m much more mellow now,  Que Sera,  Sera.

Right,  I suppose I had better give you a spanking pic,  eh? This week I am going for the best actor and the best actress,  I wonder what play they could be rehearsing for,  lol. A definite touch of the Kiss Me Kate’s there. Oh,  and it’s 1959,  I really don’t think that Elsie has to do THAT much acting,  I dare say the role came pretty easy to her.

This will be added to my SENIOR SUPERLATIVES folder. (Hint,  click the link,  they are some of the best vintage spanking pics around)